Friday's Funnies

Paying Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."  "Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."

Automation

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear -- a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.  "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury.  "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those guys down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Oops

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.  He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.  Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.  He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.  The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.  Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'  'Why?' asked the pilot.  'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'  The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Hoped For Tithe Deductions

7. Wardrobe replacement credit for wear and tear on all church attire

6. Home mortgage payment if a minimum of two church-related fellowships are hosted in any given month

5. 3/4 cent credit for each grueling mile to and from all church activities, including church softball, bingo, and any rummage sales held at or by a church

4. 20 percent credit for all materials purchased at a Christian bookstore

3. $500 for perfect Sunday attendance

2. Additional $500 for perfect attendance and choir participation

1. Another $500 for perfect attendance and on-key choir participation.

Amazed

When Mary was pregnant, her five-year-old son, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother. "A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

Meaning of the BIBLE

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"  His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?  The son replied, "I do know!"  "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"  "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”

Procrastinate

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."  The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Fear Not

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.  The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."  Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.  He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Writing ambitions

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”  He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Silk Worms

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?  They both ended up in a tie.

Today’s Thought

My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.