Modern Tools
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain
on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while
trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy
shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight
anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to
harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the
resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.
Message
Our kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just
before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us the
teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept
through our daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that
already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with our
daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other,
"Be Smart, Don't Start
Shreds of wisdom
1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more
than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
6. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life
is serious.
7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite
government program.
9. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need
the trip.
10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
11. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
12. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
14. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.
17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
18. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.
19. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
20. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
21. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
22. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
23. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to
the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
24. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Today’s Thought
Have you noticed that when someone says "To make a long
story short..." it's generally too late?
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