Friday's Funnies

The Surprise Party

As my son's seventh birthday approached, his excitement was reaching fever pitch. As usual, Tommy was allowed to invite about a dozen kids who live on our block. The morning of the big day, a woman called to say she couldn't make the party. I must have sounded confused, so she added, "I'm Tommy's teacher." She paused, then said, "Didn't you know he'd invited me?" "No," I said, "but you're welcome to drop in later for a slice of birthday cake." After another pause, she said, "Did you know he asked the entire class... 33 children in all?" I thanked her, hung up and turned to Tommy, who was fairly bursting with glee. I asked why he had done such a thing. "I always wanted a surprise party, Mom! Are you surprised?"

Not Today

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left.)

Kids Talk About Astronomy:

• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Kids Talk About Meteorology:

• You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Confident

A confident little boy was practicing baseball.  He said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!"  Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed.  He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again.  Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again.  He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!!"

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM BIBLICAL MOTHERS OR WIVES By Grant MacDonald

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

  

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

  

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

  

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

  

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

  

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

  

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

  

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

  

2.   Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

  

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

  

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you?" How do you feel now "Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public"?! (Mat 27:19)

Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling chequer; it came with my pea sea.  It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.  Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write.  It shows me strait a weigh.  As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite. Its rarely ever wrong.  Eye ran this poem threw it, I'm shore your pleased two no; Its letter perfect in it's weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

The Penny

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

Today’s Thought

Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.