Friday's Funnies

Asking Questions

Jack and Max are walking in the hallway after a religious service. Jack wonders if it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" So Jack goes up to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?" But the rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good rabbi told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?" To which the rabbi eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask.  For example: May I work on this project while I’m on vacation?

The Bonus

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

Knowing Noah

My sister's youngest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark the little boy asked, "Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?" "Oh, no", said Granddad. "In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?"

From the Australian Association Of Retired People

Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?      

A: Try a bookstore under 'fiction'.

Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband? 

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?   

A: Take off your glasses.

Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? 

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory ?  

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?     

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?    

A: On their foreheads.

Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?     

A: "I remember these!”

Medical Records

As an expert witness in the healthcare profession, I have come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MDs, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

Coin Toss

Golfer 1: "Why are you so late?"

Golfer 2: "I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

Time

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute."