Pun
Alert
The wives of two Irish brothers, a chef and a public health inspector, both gave birth to twins, each having a boy and a girl, on March 17th. The chef's kids were christened Sam and Patty. The health inspector named his babies Sam and Ella.
Check That Reference
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference and accidentally dropped the number one before the word John. So the newly married couple received a beautifully inscribed cake reading simply "John 4:18", which states, "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
Sounds Right
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
Hearing Aid
Helen and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep. Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approached an ice cream van and said, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl said. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insisted. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla'?" The man spelled, "V-A-N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. 'S-T-R-A-W.'" "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in 'chocolate.'" The man hesitated and then looked confused as he replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.
The Surprise
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
Conundrum du Jour
Why do those caution signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
You Know You’re in a Large Urban Church When…
~ You have to ride a shuttle bus to get to the worship service
~ You stand in line waiting for the previous service to end and when it does, you feel as if you are swimming upstream
~ You have attended the same church, at the same time each weekend, for the past month and have not heard the same preacher twice
~ You wonder why there are hymn books in the pew rack that are never used
~ You can meet with a leader of the church in the atrium coffee shop
~ There is a 400-seat prayer chapel besides the 2000+ seat main sanctuary
~ You have to speak with a pastor through the appropriate administrative assistant after getting past a receptionist
~ The staff are required to wear picture ID tags
City Kid on the Farm
A city kid went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in. Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old, but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth. When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen. At first the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked, "Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's behind?"
Today’s Thought
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
The wives of two Irish brothers, a chef and a public health inspector, both gave birth to twins, each having a boy and a girl, on March 17th. The chef's kids were christened Sam and Patty. The health inspector named his babies Sam and Ella.
Check That Reference
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference and accidentally dropped the number one before the word John. So the newly married couple received a beautifully inscribed cake reading simply "John 4:18", which states, "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
Sounds Right
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
Hearing Aid
Helen and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep. Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"
Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approached an ice cream van and said, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl said. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insisted. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla'?" The man spelled, "V-A-N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. 'S-T-R-A-W.'" "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in 'chocolate.'" The man hesitated and then looked confused as he replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screamed.
The Surprise
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
Conundrum du Jour
Why do those caution signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
You Know You’re in a Large Urban Church When…
~ You have to ride a shuttle bus to get to the worship service
~ You stand in line waiting for the previous service to end and when it does, you feel as if you are swimming upstream
~ You have attended the same church, at the same time each weekend, for the past month and have not heard the same preacher twice
~ You wonder why there are hymn books in the pew rack that are never used
~ You can meet with a leader of the church in the atrium coffee shop
~ There is a 400-seat prayer chapel besides the 2000+ seat main sanctuary
~ You have to speak with a pastor through the appropriate administrative assistant after getting past a receptionist
~ The staff are required to wear picture ID tags
City Kid on the Farm
A city kid went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in. Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old, but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth. When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen. At first the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked, "Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's behind?"
Today’s Thought
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
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