Friday's Funnies

School Daze

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

How You Ask The Question

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"
Teacher: "No, of course not."
Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

First Day of School

A child comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Best-Selling Back-To-School Books

• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through The First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I. M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt

The New Grandmother

As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street. As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on." My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

Shopping With Grandma

Little Johnny was shopping with Grandma. One of the things she tossed in the cart was a package of pantyhose. He sounded out the words "Queen Size" and exclaimed, "Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

If They Had a Doting Mother

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

Today’s Thought

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.