Friday's Funnies

If Websites Had Warning Labels

Google: "Warning! You may actually find more than what you're looking for."

Blogs: "May cause drowsiness."

Microsoft: "Warning! Bill Gates isn't *ever* going to share his money with you."

MySpace: "Age, gender and attractiveness of members may differ from what is actually posted."

Apple Computers: "Warning! High Smug Advisory."

Wikipedia: "Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?"

iTunes: "Be alert for falling album sales and shifting music industry paradigms."

YouTube: "Warning! Contents may be stupid."

Match.com: "Contents may just be settling."

The DJ

Our son was a DJ at a university radio station. During one shift, he ran through his material faster than expected. He asked listeners for requests, but no one phoned. So Sam played a few more wild hard-rock numbers and asked for calls after each one, but still no response. Finally he got serious with his audience. "Okay," he threatened, "if I don't get any requests, I'll play something my parents would like." The phone rang immediately.

Dentist Appointment

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.  The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a terrible hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. Forget about the anesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town, and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work."  The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man, asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."  So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"  The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

Get Me One Too

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister."

The Break

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really?" the technician said. "Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."

You Know You’re in a Small Country Church When…

~ People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

~ People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

~ The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

~ Opening day of hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

~ A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because: "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of!"

~ Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

~ The choir group is known as the "O.K. Chorale."

~ The pastor wears boots.

~ Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

~ There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

~ Baptism is referred to as "branding."

~ There's a special fundraiser for a new septic tank.

~ Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

~ High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

~ The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear."

Poof

A salesman, an office manager, and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it...  POOF! A genie comes out. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" cries the office manager. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."  POOF! She's gone.  In astonishment, the salesman shouts: "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, and the love of my life."  POOF! He's gone.  "Okay, you're up," the genie says to the boss.  The boss says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Blondes fight back

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.

At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvelous Mensa mystery!  They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.  They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.  "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."  "Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Today’s Thought

Q: What do you call 100 rabbits dancing backward?

A: A receding hare line.