Friday's Funnies

Heaven

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.  "NO!" the children all answered.  "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"  Again, the answer was, "NO!"  "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.  Again, they all answered, "NO!"  "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"   A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Maple Leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After he was sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.  After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case: "...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."  "Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.  "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

•   The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

•   The local phone book has only one yellow page.

•   Third Street is on the edge of town.

•   You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

•   You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.

•   No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

•   You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.

•   Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.

Actual complaints received by Thomas Cook Vacations (a British firm) from dissatisfied customers:

1.    "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

2.    "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

3.    "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

4.    "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

5.    "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

6.    "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

7.    "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

8.    "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

9.    "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time — this should be banned."

10.  "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

11.  "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom suite and ours was significantly smaller."

12.  "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

13.  "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

14.  "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

How come?

"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well according' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I want to know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

How High Can You Count?

A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?"  The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son -- how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two."  The father said, "Why did you stop?"  The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

Football

A guy decides to bring his new girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.  She replies: "Oh it was great, but there is one thing I don't understand." "What don't you understand?" The girlfriend replies, "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, what’s the big idea, it's just a quarter!"

Today’s Thought

Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.