Friday's Funnies

Fair Compensation

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.  "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."  The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.  "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Ladies, Read Only The First Part -- Men, The Rest

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."  The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"  The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."  The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."  The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."  Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.  Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading ...

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.  Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

When I win the lottery

Bubba and Bo, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.  "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.  "Do what?" asked Bo.  "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

Why oh Why???

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bad golfer

Bad Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Today’s Thought

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.