Friday's Funnies

The Copycat

Bob deliberately sat behind the cleverest boy in the class and was accused of cheating and copying his answers from Billy. When Bob asked why the teacher thought this, she answered, "All of your answers are the same, apart from question 2 where Billy wrote, ‘I don't know the answer,' and you wrote, ‘neither do I."

Texting Elderly

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.  One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."  The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."

Huh?

Reputedly this is an actual classified ad from a San Francisco newspaper: "To all you hunters who kill animals for food, shame on you; you ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there, where no animals were harmed."

Forgiveness

"Why do you keep talking about my past mistakes?" said the husband. "I thought you had forgiven and forgotten." "I have, indeed, forgiven and forgotten," said the wife. "But I want to make sure that you don't forget that I have forgiven and forgotten."

Echo-cardiogram

I went to the cardiologist today for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor prepared the machine and began the process of taking a sonogram of my heart.  "Huh," he said. "That's weird."
I stared at him with an expression of curiosity and growing concern. "What?"  "You said you're a law student, right?" the doctor asked.  "Yes," I replied, confused.  The doctor exclaimed, "Well, there's actually a heart in here! Want me to take a picture for you so you can prove it to people once you're an attorney?"

The Range

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scrawniest beasts I have ever seen."  One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"  "Are you kidding," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Signs

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:        

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Today’s Thought

Don't mess with people who do yoga...you'll be surprised how quickly they get bent out of shape.