Observations
- My
wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
- Frustration
is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
- Blessed
are those who can give without remembering and receive without forgetting.
- The
irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
- God
made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her
first question.
- I was
always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find
one.
Pain
Dentist: Don't worry. I'm painless.
Patient: But I'm not!
Air Heads
A couple air-heads from warmer climes loved to fish, so they
wanted to try ice fishing. They'd took
off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop
nearby where they got all their tackle - including a sturdy ice pick. About an hour later, one of them was back at
the shop and bought another ice pick. In another hour the air-head was back,
and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you got." The bait man said, "Well, OK -- How are
you doing out there?" "Not
very well at all," said the air-head. "We don't even have the boat in
the water yet."
A Guide to the World of Investments
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until
the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major
financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell
"Broke."
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you
take a flyer on that hot stock tip your co-worker gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds
tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're
supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells
stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a
short position is what a person usually ends up being in (e.g., "The rent,
sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks
have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Four Words with two
Meanings
1.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
2. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing
trip with the boys.
3. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of
indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression,
male bonding.
4. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels
every 5 minutes.
Invention
The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some
cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey
Mom, what's this?" "Oh, that's
an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their
curiosity. "Well, what does it
do?" they queried. "I'll show
you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the
paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of
print on the page. "WOW!" they
exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do
you plug it in?" "There is no
plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the
batteries?" they persisted. "It
doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they
exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
Today’s Thought
I'm not a procrastinator. I just wait until the last minute
because I will be older, and therefore wiser. It's strategic.
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