Friday's Funnies

Work Quotes

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." (Robert Frost)

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (Edgar Bergen)

"Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." (Leslie Nielsen)

"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job." (Slappy White)

"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y.'" (Robert Paul)

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." (Muhammad Ali)

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." (Dennis Miller)

Argument

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.  Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.  "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."  He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"  "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.  "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
 
Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

New Math

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

AN AIRHEAD'S COOKING DIARY

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted to go out together and get a drink. Since they advertised that drinks were on the house, I took a ladder.  Not sure how this is going to work since Tom made me put it back.

Wednesday: Tom asked for salad for supper, so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Thursday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Friday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Saturday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Sunday: This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.