Friday's Funnies

Present: Tense

Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong. "Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Steve. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly." "That's easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'." "Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

Shocking

My wife had just bought a five-year-old car. The first time I drove it, I told her something seemed to be wrong with the suspension. I parked the car and then proceeded to give it a "shock test." I clasped one hand over the other, squared my shoulders, pushed down with all my weight on the corner and quickly released it to see if it bounced more than once. I repeated this several times. A pedestrian standing behind me observed, "I doubt that even CPR could start that car."

To Protect & Serve

As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded. "Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

Marriage and Men

·         When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

·         Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.

·         Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

·         Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

·         A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

·         Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

·         The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

·         Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

The Value of a Brief Sermon

The best illustration of the value of brevity in preaching was given by Mark Twain. He said that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars. After ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars. After a half-hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory, when the plate was passed he stole two dollars.

The Name Game

A little boy was asked whether he was excited about the new baby his mother was expecting. "Yes!" the four-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too — I heard Mommy and Daddy talking. If it's a girl we're going to call it Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Feeling Youthful

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

How To Eat Like A Child

Peas: Mash into thin sheet on a plate. Press back of fork into peas, hold fork vertically, prongs up, and lick off peas.

Mashed Potatoes: Pat mashed potatoes flat on top. Dig several little depressions. Think of them as ponds or pools. Fill pools with gravy. With fork, sculpt rivers between them. Decorate with peas. Do not eat. Alternate method: Make a large hole in center of mashed potatoes. Pour in ketchup. Stir until potatoes turn pink. Eat as you would peas.

Sandwich: Leave the crusts. If your mother says you have to eat them because that's the best part, stuff them into your pocket or between the cushions of the couch.

Spaghetti: Wind too many strands on fork and make sure at least two strands dangle down. Open mouth wide and stuff in spaghetti; suck noisily to inhale dangling strands. Clean plate, ask for seconds, and eat only half. When carrying plate to kitchen, hold tilted so that remaining spaghetti slides onto the floor.

Ice Cream Cone: Ask for double scoop. Knock the top scoop off while walking out the door of the ice cream parlor. Cry. Lick remaining scoop slowly so that ice cream melts down outside of the cone and over your hand. Stop licking when ice cream is even with top of cone. Eat a hole in bottom of cone and suck the rest of ice cream out of the bottom. When only cone remains with ice cream coating inside, leave cone on car dashboard.

Spinach: Divide into little piles. Rearrange into new piles. After five or six maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Half-sit, half-lie on bed, propped up by pillow. Read a book. Place cookies next to you on sheet so that crumbs get in bed. As you eat the cookies, remove each chocolate chip and place it on your stomach. When all cookies are consumed, eat chips one by one, allowing two per page.

Milkshake: Bite off end of paper covering straw. Blow through straw to shoot paper across the table. Place straw in shake and suck. When shake just reaches your mouth, place a finger over top of straw - the pressure will keep the shake in straw. Lift straw out of shake, put bottom end in mouth, release finger, and swallow. Do this until straw is squashed so you can't suck through it. Ask for another straw. This time shoot paper at the waitress or waiter when they aren't looking. Sip your shake casually until there is about an inch of shake remaining. Then blow through straw until bubbles rise to top of glass. When your father says he's had just about enough, get a stomach ache.

Today’s Thought

Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say, “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”