Friday's Funnies

Overheard

While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

The Greatest

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"

Good Question

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can airplane pilots fly?"

Best Out-Of-Office Automatic E-mail Replies

- I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

- Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

- I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

- Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

- Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Ready But Not Willing

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

Hard work

The manager is reviewing a potential employee's application and notes that the fellow has never worked in retail before.

"For a man with no experience," says he, "you are certainly asking a high wage."

"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing..."

Hearing Aid

My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep.

Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"

Auto Accident

Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo stressed.... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me, he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I looked down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

…… and that's how the fight started...