Friday's Funnies

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry Rich Man, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims...

"You brought pavement?!?"

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Knowing Trash

I've been hauling trash for years, so when the sign "Garbage" appeared on a trash can, I replaced it with my own note: "After 20 years on the job, I know garbage when I see it!" I emptied the can and left. The next week, a new note appeared on the same can: "Dear Professor Trash, the garbage can is the garbage."

25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

- Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
- Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
- Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school. - Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
- If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
- Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
- Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
- Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
- Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
- In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
- Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
- Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
- Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
- Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

Enough Said

Margaret had spent weeks preparing the older members of her junior church for their move to the adult church service. Much to her chagrin, during their first service there, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!" Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front...and delivered Margaret's message to the surprised pastor in the middle of his sermon!

Slim Chance

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip.

The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not heard anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What in the world is going on up here? We are having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"