Friday's Funnies

Thoughts To Ponder

·       Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

·       If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

·       Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

·       If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

·       If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

·       If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

·       Is it possible to have Deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

First Day Of School

It was the first day of school, and the first-grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.  "Dewey, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?"  Dewey said, "That's when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch."

Coffee Choices

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"  "Yes please!" we said.  He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"

Ulcer

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."  Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Grandparents' Answering Machine

"Good morning. At present we are not available, but please select from the following menu items:

·       If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

·       If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

·       If you want to borrow the car, press 3

·       If you want us to wash your clothes or iron, press 4

·       If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

·       If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

·       If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

·       If you want to come to eat here, press 8

·       If you need money, press 9

·       If you are going to invite us to dinner or want to take us to the concert, start talking — we are listening." (Beeeeeeeep...)

Umbrella

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"  The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother? 

Interview

Interviewer: "You have no experience in this field - and yet you're asking for a rather high salary."

Applicant: "Yes, work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

Musical Puns

Q: How did the tuba player kill himself?
A: He walked off a clef.

Q: How do musicians pay their debts?
A: With quarter notes.

Q: Why did the opera house fire their male singer?
A: He was always singing tenor eleven notes off.

Q: Why aren't fish allowed to play in an orchestra?
A: Because you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

Q: Why did the conductor tell the trumpeter to stop talking?
A: He was always trying to blow his own horn.

Q: What do you call a conductor who is always giving his orchestra grief?
A: A treble maker.

Q: Why was the clarinetist always cutting himself?
A: His music was always too sharp.

Today’s Thought

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Friday's Funnies

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2014: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2015: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2016: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2017: I will work out 3 days a week.

2018: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Just Wait...

I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

Parking Problem at Church

A few years ago, I caught a story on the radio about a Baptist church that had a problem. It was with the Methodists down the street. Some Baptists were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Methodist church, which met earlier than the Baptists, got there first. So the Baptist church had a problem.  Now, they COULD have towed the Methodist's cars away. Or, they COULD have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings. Or, they COULD have written a letter to the offending church members imploring them to park elsewhere. But they didn't.  Instead, they did something else. One Sunday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Methodist alike. They all got one. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE A BAPTIST!"  No more problem.

Walking On Water

Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home. When Dallas arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?" His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all born in January. You were born in July, dear."

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2018...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                   

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                        

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels                               

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall      

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                          

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                           

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                          

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Tour of London

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.  The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"  The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.  "Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"  As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.  "Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.  "I have no idea, wasn't there yesterday..."

The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

Spirited Bidding

A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding. "I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer. "Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Today’s Thought

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Friday's Funnies

Christmas Thoughts

·        Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.  

·        A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?" A young student replied, "Because his mother was there."  

·        Three phrases that have come to sum up Christmas (for better or worse) are: "Peace on Earth," "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries Not Included."  

·        "Where did I say that you should buy so much stuff to celebrate My birthday!?"

Shepherds

The Sunday School teacher looked at the little boy's drawing of a manger scene. A large dog was among the animals.  The teacher looked puzzled.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  Clerk: What denomination do you want?  Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.  After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"  He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."  Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.  "I'm in the pub next to that."

Noel

My son, a kindergartener learning to read, was enjoying the Christmas lights as we drove around checking out the beautiful decorations. Noticing one display in a yard, he promptly spelled out the letters, "N-O-E-L" and asked what word it was. "Noel," I matter-of-factly replied. Back came an exasperated reply, "But, Mom, if there's no 'L,' then what does it spell?"

Santa

Eventually a child begins having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day this happened:

Child: "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Mother, with dread: "What is that?"

Child: "They're all nocturnal."

Christmas Presents

When my son, Terrence, was four years old, he piqued everyone's interest when he placed a childishly wrapped package under the tree for each family member. On Christmas morning, Terrence looked on with joy and expectation as we opened his gifts. There were exclamations of "I thought I'd lost that!" and "So that's where that went!" When we asked Terrence why he had wrapped our favorite items, he replied, "Because I knew it was something you would really want!"

The Omission

After turning ninety, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. She wrote "Buy your own present" on each card and mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry to family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. There, under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose with her cards.

The Contestant

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host said, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and...Olive!" The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?" "You know," the man said, and began to sing: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. 'Olive,' the other reindeer..."

The Christmas Kiss

Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was tired of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you." "That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! 

Friday's Funnies

Stranded

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.  "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"  "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Fishing on the Job

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.  Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.  "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

It's Gone

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written in it."

How to Clean the House

1.            Open a new file in your computer.

2.            Name it "Housework."

3.            Save and then send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4.            Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5.            Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6.            Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

Feel better?

Loan Repayment

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"  To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine."  Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.  The woman looked up to heaven and said, "Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own."

Another Airhead Joke

Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking.  One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"  The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo! Can you see Florida from here??"

You’re From A Small Town When:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's,  and it's four houses left of the track field."

~ You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

The Dog

"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us."

"Why is that?”

"They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't.”

"How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper.”

"Yeah, that's probably got something to do with it, too.”

Today’s Thought

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always."

Friday's Funnies

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your dressing be tasty, may your turkey be plump

May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump

May your yams be delicious, and your pies take the prize

And may your Thanksgiving dinner, stay off your thighs!

Thanksgiving Riddles

Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?
A: A goblet.

Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at Thanksgiving?
A: Punk kin pie.

Q: My neighbor served a bird that was infected with salmonella and that she had failed to cook thoroughly. With what did all her guests suffer the next day?
A: The turkey trots.

Q: Am I serving a sweet potato casserole this year?
A: I yam.

Q: Why did the first settlers have so much trouble harvesting their corn?
A: They had to make their way through the maize.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if...

~ You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping pong table.

~ Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

~ You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

~ Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

~ Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

~ Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

~ Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

~ Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

~ You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

~ You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

~ You have an Elvis jello mold.

~ You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

Thanksgiving Weather

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 165F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
  9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
  8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
  7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
  6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
  5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
  4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
  3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
  2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
  1. You're sweating gravy.

Today’s Thought

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Friday's Funnies

Technology

A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time.  They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?" she asked.  "I don't rightly know, girl," the mother replied.   Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.  The mother leans over to her daughter and says, "Girl, go and get your Pa!"

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"  The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."  "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

One Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."  The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."  The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Comebacks To Unsolicited Sales Callers

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers:

~ "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

~ In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

~ "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"

~ When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."

~ When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."

~ "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

~ Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

~ To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)

~ Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4

Dating Again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.  Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Accident

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.   "My goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"  "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the lady chirped.  "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.  "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!  I swerved to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."

Today’s Thought

Exactly how do you get off a non-stop flight? 

Friday's Funnies

Google's Pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber’s guide.

We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza! I already take medicine ...

-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have other sources of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT??

- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

Longevity

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.  He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Calling In

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"

Breakfast

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Sue, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Dewey, the new husband. She replied, "Toast and juice."

The Dancer

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One guest was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I would pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Oops

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

How Tired Are You?

·        You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Good-bye."

·        Your friends call to ask how you've been and you immediately scream, "Too busy to talk!" and hang up.

·        You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to eat.

·        Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

·        You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

·        You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your cell phone will go off before your alarm does.

Smarty

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.   The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Today’s Thought

Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing.