Friday's Funnies

Thoughts To Ponder

·       Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

·       If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

·       Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

·       If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

·       If you crossed a chicken with a zebra would you get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

·       If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

·       Is it possible to have Deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

First Day Of School

It was the first day of school, and the first-grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.  "Dewey, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?"  Dewey said, "That's when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch."

Coffee Choices

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"  "Yes please!" we said.  He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"

Ulcer

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field."  Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Grandparents' Answering Machine

"Good morning. At present we are not available, but please select from the following menu items:

·       If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

·       If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

·       If you want to borrow the car, press 3

·       If you want us to wash your clothes or iron, press 4

·       If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

·       If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

·       If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

·       If you want to come to eat here, press 8

·       If you need money, press 9

·       If you are going to invite us to dinner or want to take us to the concert, start talking — we are listening." (Beeeeeeeep...)

Umbrella

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"  The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother? 

Interview

Interviewer: "You have no experience in this field - and yet you're asking for a rather high salary."

Applicant: "Yes, work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

Musical Puns

Q: How did the tuba player kill himself?
A: He walked off a clef.

Q: How do musicians pay their debts?
A: With quarter notes.

Q: Why did the opera house fire their male singer?
A: He was always singing tenor eleven notes off.

Q: Why aren't fish allowed to play in an orchestra?
A: Because you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.

Q: Why did the conductor tell the trumpeter to stop talking?
A: He was always trying to blow his own horn.

Q: What do you call a conductor who is always giving his orchestra grief?
A: A treble maker.

Q: Why was the clarinetist always cutting himself?
A: His music was always too sharp.

Today’s Thought

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.