Friday's Funnies

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2014: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2015: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2016: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2017: I will work out 3 days a week.

2018: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Just Wait...

I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."

Parking Problem at Church

A few years ago, I caught a story on the radio about a Baptist church that had a problem. It was with the Methodists down the street. Some Baptists were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because members of the nearby Methodist church, which met earlier than the Baptists, got there first. So the Baptist church had a problem.  Now, they COULD have towed the Methodist's cars away. Or, they COULD have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings. Or, they COULD have written a letter to the offending church members imploring them to park elsewhere. But they didn't.  Instead, they did something else. One Sunday morning they stuck a bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Methodist alike. They all got one. The sticker read: "I'M PROUD TO BE A BAPTIST!"  No more problem.

Walking On Water

Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his big brother Damon, headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they rented a canoe and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned. Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and Damon headed for home. When Dallas arrived back at the family home, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?" His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the hand, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all born in January. You were born in July, dear."

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2018...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                   

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                        

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic

~ Spinning your wheels                               

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall      

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                          

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                           

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                          

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Tour of London

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.  The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"  The cab passed the House of Parliament next, the cabby stating that it started construction in 1544 and was completed 1618.  "Boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"  As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.  "Whoa! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.  "I have no idea, wasn't there yesterday..."

The Law of Parenthood

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

Spirited Bidding

A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding. "I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer. "Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Today’s Thought

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."