Technology
A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big
city for the first time. They stayed in
a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother
and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at
it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do
you reckon that there thing is?" she asked. "I don't rightly know, girl," the
mother replied. Just then an old,
frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the
doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a
handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out. The mother leans over to her daughter and says,
"Girl, go and get your Pa!"
Scripture?
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be
baptized...)!" The burglar stopped
dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what
she had done. As the officer cuffed the
burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was
yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?"
replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two
38's!"
One Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish." The man
said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.
"The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and
how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Comebacks To
Unsolicited Sales Callers
Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited,
persistent telephone sales callers:
~ "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."
~ In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"
~ "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"
~ When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."
~ When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."
~ "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"
~ Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"
~ To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)
~ Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4
~ "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."
~ In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"
~ "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"
~ When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."
~ When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."
~ "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"
~ Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"
~ To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)
~ Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4
Dating Again
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally
divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start,
so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After
reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms
of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my
answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow
some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one
in the second column. It's me."
Accident
A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch
and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My goodness!" the trooper gasped.
"Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are
you okay, ma'am?" "Why, yes,
officer, I'm just fine," the lady chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as
he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer,
it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along
this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of
nowhere pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER
tree! I swerved to the right and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left
and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her
off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air
freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."
Today’s Thought
Exactly how do you get off a non-stop flight?
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