Friday's Funnies

 

Human Capacity for Misspeak

 

·         Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

·         In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

·         In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

·         In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

·         In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

·         Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

·         Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

·         Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

·         Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

·         Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

·         Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

·         On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

 

Proofreading Is A Dying Art, Wouldn't You Say?

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

See if that works better than a fair trial!

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

 

Kids In Grade School Think Fast

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead - Go Slow."

 

TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"

JOHN: In the garden of Eden?

 

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

 

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

 

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

 

Today’s Thought

 

I'm starting to really struggle with my New Year's resolution. I ran around the block six times this morning as I had resolved, but I was in so much pain I could barely pick the block up off the floor to put it back in the toy box!

Friday's Funnies

 

Top 10 Innovations Being Developed For 2021

 

10. Gluten-Free Face Masks

9. Chia Personal Bubble

8. Body-Scrubbing Drone

7. Socially-Distanced Murder Hornets

6. Morgan Freeman's Voice Modulator for all Politicians

5. Zoom's Electric Shock 'Reminder' that You're still on Mute

4. Retro pull-start TV remote

3. Pfizer's Zombie Vaccine

2. Tween Yoda

1. New game show, "Wheel of Fauci"

 

New Year's Puns

 

-          What is corn’s favorite holiday? New Ears Eve.

-          What's a cows favorite holiday? Moo Year's Eve

-          They say New York City has the best New Year's celebration, but I say it's overrated. Every year they drop the ball.

-          Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they didn't planet in time.

-          What do farmers grow on January 1? New Year's Hay.

-          Why do you need a jeweler on December 31? To ring in the New Year.

-          What does the little Champagne bottle call his father? Pop!

 

New Year's One-Liners

-          My New Year's resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

-          I'm going to stay up late this New Year's Eve—not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.

-          Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.

-          At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to lose 15 pounds. Only 20 more to go!

-          I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer.

-          We can't let this year end: That would be admitting that 2021.

 

New Year's Jokes for Kids

 

-          Where do you go to do your math homework on New Year's Eve? Times Square

-          What did the ghost say on January 1? "Happy Boo Year"

-          Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve? He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.

-          What was the caterpillar's New Year's resolution? To turn over a new leaf.

-          What do dogs say on New Year's Eve? Woof.

-          What did the friends say to each other at midnight on New Year’s Eve? "I haven’t seen you since last year!"

 

What Not To Do This New Year!

 

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand-new bathroom scale.

 

Taste Test

 

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"  His employees replied, "No."  Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"  "His employees replied again, "No."  Finally, the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"  His workers responded, "A puppy."

 

Word Definitions

 

ADULT:

      A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR:

      A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

      Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

      The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

      A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

      Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

      Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

      Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

      Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

      An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

      Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

      Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

      A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

      The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

      One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN:

      An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

      Something other people have.  I have character lines.

 

Today’s Thought

 

New Year's resolutions are a to-do list for the first week of January.

Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year's Day!

 

Q: What is a New Year's resolution? A: Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up for New Year's. Middle age is when you're forced to.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

I see no need to make more New Year's resolutions when the ones already on the books aren't being enforced.

This New Year's, I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

Q: What's the one group that hates New Year's Day? A: The New Year's Eve clean-up crew.

10 Points to ponder at the end of 2020

 

1.  The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

 

2.  2019: Stay away from negative people.

     2020: Stay away from positive people.

 

3.  The world has turned upside down. Old people are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

 

4.  This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.....  we had a good laugh.

 

5.  Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

6.  Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

 

7.  I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot barge pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

 

8.  I really need to practice social distancing from the fridge.

 

9.  I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the garden. I’m getting tired of the living room.

 

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank clerk with a mask on and ask for money.

 

New Year’s Trivia

 

Q: When did the New Year's Eve Ball first drop in Times Square?
A: 1907

Q: How large is the Times Square New Year's Eve Ball in diameter?
A: 12 feet

Q: How much did the first Times Square New Year's Eve Ball weigh?
A: 700 pounds

Q: How much does the Times Square ball weigh in 2020?
A: 11,875 pounds

Q: How much confetti is dropped in Times Square on New Year's Eve?
A: About one ton

Q: What was the most popular 2020 New Year's resolution?
A: To exercise more

Q: In what year was January 1 officially declared the first day of the new year?
A: 46 B.C.

Q: How many glasses of bubbly are consumed on New Year's Eve?
A: 360 million

 

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

 

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.

~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Don't believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Friday's Funnies

 Merry Christmas!

 

One-liners

 

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrrrrr!

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!

What does the gingerbread man put on his bed? Cookie sheets!

What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!

What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-itis.

What is a Christmas tree's favorite candy? Orna-mints!

 

Christmas Q&A

 

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? A: Aretha Franklins.

 

Drawing The Nativity

A little girl named Betty was asked to draw a picture of the Nativity along with the rest of her class. The drawings were sent home for the parents to adore and display on their refrigerators.  When Betty's mom glanced at the picture, she became rather confused when she saw an airplane drawn on the page.  She asked her daughter if this was the correct picture, the one of the Nativity.  "Of course Mommy, that's the flight into Egypt!"  "Who is this man?" her mom asked, pointing to one man in the front of the plane.  Betty answered "that's Pontius the Pilot!"  Her mom continued by asking "I see Joseph here, and Mary, but who is the really big guy in the back?"  With a sigh, her daughter said "Mommy, that's Round John Virgin!"

Christmas Short Jokes

 

·         This year instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion.

·         What cars do elves drive? Toyotas!

·         How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!

·         How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life!

·         Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them!

·         Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!

 

Smart Rednecks

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"  "Yes. What do you want?""I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."  "Thank you very much for the call, sir."  The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.  They swore at Billy Bob and left.  The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.  "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"  "Yeah!"  "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."  "Merry Christmas Buddy!"

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Weird

 

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

More Christmas Q & A

 

Alice: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?

Johnny: I don't know. What?

Alice: A pineapple!

 

Phil: Where do snowmen keep their money?

Bill: Beats me.

Phil: In a snow bank.

 

Darth Vader: I know what you're getting for Christmas.

Luke: How do you know?

Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.

 

Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?

John: What?

Josh: Snow and tell.

 

Phil: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?

Harold: Beats me. What?

Phil: Santa Claws.

 

Amanda: What's the difference between Santa's reindeer and a knight?

Robert: What?

Amanda: One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh.

 

Today’s Thought

 

What to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs, and rear.

Friday's Funnies

 

Christmas Q&A

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Snowman Seen

A snowman was seen at the carrot bin in the produce section of the local grocery. He was picking his nose.

Christmas Challenges

One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. One door closes, another opens. -- Me, eating through a chocolate Advent Calendar.

Grandma's Strategy 

One Christmas, a mother decided she was no longer going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Consequently, the kids' grandmother never received any thanks for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids. The very next Christmas, all the kids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks. When asked by a friend what caused this change in behavior, the grandmother replied, "Simple, this year I didn't sign the checks."

Find Your Christmas IQ Test

Each answer is a title from a famous Christmas song:

1. A dude made of Frozen Water named for Wendy's dessert drink (10 points)

2. Why Rudolph can't get insurance (10 points)

3. Globalizing dishwashing detergent (10 points)

4. He who doesn't talk at the Round Table (10 points)

5. Southern ladies in AARP (10 points)

Bonus: The song of septuplets (25 points)

=======================================

ANSWERS:

1. A dude made of Frozen Water named for Wendy's dessert drink: "Frosty the Snowman" (10 points)

2. Why Rudolph can't get insurance: "Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer" (10 points)

3. Globalizing dishwashing detergent: "Joy to the World!" (10 points)

4. He who doesn't talk at the Round Table: "Silent Night (Knight!)" (10 points)

5. Southern ladies in AARP: "Silver Bells (Belles!)" (10 points)

BONUS: The song of septuplets: "What Child is this?" (25 points)

=======================================

TOTAL SCORE

75 points = Some would say you're a Christmas genius. Others would say you really need to get a life.

50 – 65 points = You probably cheated...but hey, way to go. You must really like "The Far Side"

30 – 40 points = Good job. Your Christmas I.Q. is way above average.

10 – 20 points = You're normal. Be grateful.

0 points = Thanks for playing. Try again next year...

Christmas Wish 

When a father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy replied, "A baby sister." As it turned out, the wife was pregnant, and delivered on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for their son. The next year, when the father asked his little boy what he wanted for Christmas, the boy said, "If it wouldn't make mommy too uncomfortable, I'd like a pony."

Cats’ Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop

2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

3. Joy to the Curled

4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

5. The First Meow

6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

7. Silent Mice

8. Fluffy, the Snowman

9. Jingle Balls

10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

Dear Santa, I can explain.

Friday's Funnies

 Top Ten Least Popular Christmas Plays

10. Away away away in a socially-distanced manger.

9. When the stable animals talked at midnight and it got, like, all political.

8. The shepherds forget to re-tweet the Angel's announcement.

7. It's a wonderful Zoom.

6. The Magi's Tik Tok mocking of Herod.

5. Hark the cardboard angels sing.

4. Live chat with Fred, the 'no filter' shepherd. 

3. The story of Willie, the emotional-support sheep.

2. Christmas unwrapped: Kids just play with the box for an hour.

1. Gold, Frankincense, and Dr. Fauci.

Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her phone. "Where are you?” the wife said. "You know we have lots to do."  He replied, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace. I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"  Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop" she replied.  "Well, I'm in the video game store next to that."

10^th Reindeer

"Why don't we ever hear about 'Olive,' the 10th reindeer?" asked Bert.  "What 10th reindeer?" asked Scott.  "You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." 

Diamond Ring

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."  "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

 The Judge's Tie 

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

The Christmas Play

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!" "What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly. "I'm one of the three wise guys!"

Christmas Carols as Interpreted by Kids

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Holiday/Christmas Carols; here are some of the humorous lines she received:

·         Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

·         De three kings of porridge and tar

·         On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

·         Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

·         He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

·         Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

·         With the jelly toast proclaim

·         Sleep in heavenly peas

·         In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

·         You'll go down in listerine

·         Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

·         O come, froggy faithful

Christmas Q&A

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

Santa Klutz!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Today’s Thought

Dear Santa, before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

Friday's Funnies

 

Pumpkin Pie

 

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

Love

 

The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.  One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"  "What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.  "I think you're bad luck."

 

Golden Years

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us."  Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

 

Expectant Fathers

 

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."  "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"  The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."  When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"  At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

 

Country Computer Technology

 

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter.
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood.
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood.
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter.
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter.
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season.
11. Byte - What the black flies do.
12. Bit - What the black flies did.
13. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season.
14. Chip - Munchies for TV.
15. Microchip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips.
18. Laptop - Where your drink spills when you pass out.
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.
22. Mainframe - What holds the house up, hopefully.
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.
24. Web - What a spider makes.
25. Website - High corners of the ceiling and walls.
26. Cursor - Someone who swears.
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies.
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen.
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods.
30. Upgrade - Steep hill.
31. Server - A waitress.
32. Mail Server - A male waitress (very few in these parts).
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch.
37. Network - Mending holes in the fishing net.
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.
40. Online - A good sign that there'll be clean clothes next week.
41. Offline - The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

Child's Play

 

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake. The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember WWJD. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."  The 5 yr-old quickly turned to the 3 yr-old and said, "You play Jesus."

 

Little Boy in Wedding

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he walked forward, he would repeatedly take two steps, cup his hands around his mouth and yells "ROAR!" He took turns facing the bride's side and the groom's side. Two steps, then "ROAR!"  As you can imagine, the crowd was laughing so hard, they were near tears. As he took his place at the front of the church, the groom leaned over and asked, "What are you doing?"  The little boy sniffed and seriously replied, "Why are they laughing at me? I'm the RING BEAR!"

Today’s Thought

 

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.