Merry Christmas!
One-liners
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it's in
Decembrrrrrrr!
How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad.
Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
They have too many needles.
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets!
What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!
What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye
deer.
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis.
What is a Christmas tree's favorite candy?
Orna-mints!
Christmas
Q&A
Q: Why does Santa have 3
gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: What do you
call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? A: Aretha Franklins.
Drawing
The Nativity
A little girl
named Betty was asked to draw a picture of the Nativity along with the rest of
her class. The drawings were sent home for the parents to adore and display on
their refrigerators. When Betty's mom glanced at the picture, she became
rather confused when she saw an airplane drawn on the page. She asked her
daughter if this was the correct picture, the one of the Nativity.
"Of course Mommy, that's the flight into Egypt!" "Who is
this man?" her mom asked, pointing to one man in the front of the
plane. Betty answered "that's Pontius the Pilot!" Her mom
continued by asking "I see Joseph here, and Mary, but who is the really
big guy in the back?" With a sigh, her daughter said "Mommy,
that's Round John Virgin!"
Christmas Short Jokes
·
This year instead of
gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion.
·
What cars do elves drive?
Toyotas!
·
How did Mary and Joseph
know Jesus' weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger!
·
How did the ornament get
addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life!
·
Why are Christmas trees so
fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them!
·
Why is it getting harder
to buy Advent calendars? Their days are numbered!
Smart Rednecks
"Hello, is
this the FBI?" "Yes. What do
you want?""I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He
is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy
Bob's house. They search the shed where
the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find
no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob
and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's
house. "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI
come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy!"
Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs
1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls
Weird
Christmas is
weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat
candy out of your socks?
More
Christmas Q & A
Alice: What do you get if you cross an iPad with a
Christmas tree?
Johnny: I don't know. What?
Alice: A pineapple!
Phil: Where do snowmen keep their money?
Bill: Beats me.
Phil: In a snow bank.
Darth Vader: I know what you're getting for Christmas.
Luke: How do you know?
Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.
Josh: What does Jack Frost like best about school?
John: What?
Josh: Snow and tell.
Phil: What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and
scratches up your furniture?
Harold: Beats me. What?
Phil: Santa Claws.
Amanda: What's the difference between Santa's reindeer
and a knight?
Robert: What?
Amanda: One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the
sleigh.
Today’s Thought
What to my
wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on my hips, thighs, and rear.
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