Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year's Day!

 

Q: What is a New Year's resolution? A: Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up for New Year's. Middle age is when you're forced to.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

I see no need to make more New Year's resolutions when the ones already on the books aren't being enforced.

This New Year's, I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

Q: What's the one group that hates New Year's Day? A: The New Year's Eve clean-up crew.

10 Points to ponder at the end of 2020

 

1.  The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

 

2.  2019: Stay away from negative people.

     2020: Stay away from positive people.

 

3.  The world has turned upside down. Old people are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

 

4.  This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.....  we had a good laugh.

 

5.  Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

6.  Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

 

7.  I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot barge pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

 

8.  I really need to practice social distancing from the fridge.

 

9.  I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the garden. I’m getting tired of the living room.

 

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank clerk with a mask on and ask for money.

 

New Year’s Trivia

 

Q: When did the New Year's Eve Ball first drop in Times Square?
A: 1907

Q: How large is the Times Square New Year's Eve Ball in diameter?
A: 12 feet

Q: How much did the first Times Square New Year's Eve Ball weigh?
A: 700 pounds

Q: How much does the Times Square ball weigh in 2020?
A: 11,875 pounds

Q: How much confetti is dropped in Times Square on New Year's Eve?
A: About one ton

Q: What was the most popular 2020 New Year's resolution?
A: To exercise more

Q: In what year was January 1 officially declared the first day of the new year?
A: 46 B.C.

Q: How many glasses of bubbly are consumed on New Year's Eve?
A: 360 million

 

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

 

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.

~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Don't believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.