Friday's Funnies

 

Pumpkin Pie

 

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

 

Love

 

The man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day.  One day, when she came to, she motioned him to come closer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. After my car accident, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"  "What dear?" he asked gently smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.  "I think you're bad luck."

 

Golden Years

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!!! You could have killed us."  Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

 

Expectant Fathers

 

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."  "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"  The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."  When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"  At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

 

Country Computer Technology

 

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter.
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood.
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove.
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck.
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood.
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter.
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter.
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside.
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season.
11. Byte - What the black flies do.
12. Bit - What the black flies did.
13. Megabyte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season.
14. Chip - Munchies for TV.
15. Microchip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips.
18. Laptop - Where your drink spills when you pass out.
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds.
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery.
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box.
22. Mainframe - What holds the house up, hopefully.
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes.
24. Web - What a spider makes.
25. Website - High corners of the ceiling and walls.
26. Cursor - Someone who swears.
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies.
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen.
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods.
30. Upgrade - Steep hill.
31. Server - A waitress.
32. Mail Server - A male waitress (very few in these parts).
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff.
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch.
37. Network - Mending holes in the fishing net.
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method.
40. Online - A good sign that there'll be clean clothes next week.
41. Offline - The clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

Child's Play

 

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake. The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember WWJD. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."  The 5 yr-old quickly turned to the 3 yr-old and said, "You play Jesus."

 

Little Boy in Wedding

 

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he walked forward, he would repeatedly take two steps, cup his hands around his mouth and yells "ROAR!" He took turns facing the bride's side and the groom's side. Two steps, then "ROAR!"  As you can imagine, the crowd was laughing so hard, they were near tears. As he took his place at the front of the church, the groom leaned over and asked, "What are you doing?"  The little boy sniffed and seriously replied, "Why are they laughing at me? I'm the RING BEAR!"

Today’s Thought

 

The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.