Friday's Funnies

Things to ponder

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

6. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Sermons

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited.   Finally the preacher said, "Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn't look like anyone else is going to show up."   The cowboy responded, "Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!"   The preacher said "Okay," and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon.   After it was over the cowboy said, "Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!" 

What Goes Around...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom, with a little grin, replied, "I remember."

Tech Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drawing a large sign, visible through a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are in a Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.”  

Unemployed

A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren't hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, "Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam."  Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla.   One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn't yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, "Help! Help!"   About that time the lion spoke up and said, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!"

Pearly Gates

A man dies. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"  "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate it'll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven."  "Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Today’s Thought

Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year? 

Friday's Funnies

Children

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and mom's age.

Border Problem

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.  "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"  "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Noah’s Ark

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel.

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Elderly Floridian

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

Cats

-          Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it."

-          To a cat's mind, all things belong to cats.

-          As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

-          There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

-          Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are Divine.

-          There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

-          The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

Practicing What You Preach?

Recently my wife was behind a car on which she noticed with three bumper stickers. One said, "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food! Demand labels and safety testing for food." The second said, ""Eat for the health of it." And the third said, "Support organic farmers." The car was in front of her at a McDonald's drive-through.

Times Change

Grandma was telling her little grand-daughter about her own childhood:  "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Age

My youngest son asked me how old I was.  I answered, "39 and holding."  He thought for a moment and then asked, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Today’s Stock Market Report:

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Friday's Funnies

Questions to Ponder

1. If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

2. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money?

3. If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

4. If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

5. If you take a shower, where do you put it?

6. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

7. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

8. Why is it called a TV set if you only get one?

9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

10. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Depressed

The barber's client looked depressed, so the barber told him, "Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn't pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff's edge."  "Incredible," said the client. "Who were these kind people?"  "The passengers on the bus."

Short Puns

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions. (Pun of the Day)

A guy applies to the welfare office. They ask why he needs financial assistance. "I'm having trouble with my eyes," the man says. "I can't see myself going to work." (A. Mathi)

When the Dow Jones average rises briefly to new heights, it can be referred to as 'Upside Dow!' (Syman Hirsch)

Take a tip from your Creator-- your ears aren't made to shut, but your mouth is. (Renee from Napa)

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing over and over. (Daily Groaner)

Geometry: What a little acorn says when he grows up. (Pierre Abbat)

Heart surgeons never bypass a good opportunity. (Pun of the Day)

A 4 Iron

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room. The clerk responds, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road."
Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."
The clerk replies again that they are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road.
To this Tiger says, "But I am Tiger Woods!"
The clerk then says, "Oh! For you it's just a 9 iron then."

Math

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the world do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

Points to Ponder

1.       The price of balloons is going up. They blame it on inflation.

2.       Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

3.       If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."

4.       Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

5.       Don't judge folks by their relatives.

6.       The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending — and to have the two as close together as possible.

The Survivor

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." "Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, turned around very slowly and said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"

Ego Deflation

For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Today’s Thought

The trouble with a giving advice is that people want to repay you.

Friday's Funnies

For all our American friends, trust everyone had a wonderful 4^th of July!

A Message From The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).  We will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. It will of course be someone of proper English lineage, such as Dame Judi Dench or Michael Caine, but most certainly not Simon Cowell.   Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.  To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save The Queen!

Water

"Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The teacher asked.  "H I J K L M N 0," answered Sally promptly.  Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water."  "Sure it does," said Sally. "My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."

Packaging

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.  I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

Today’s Thought

One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.

Friday's Funnies

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Missing Husband

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.

Lady: I lost my Husband.

Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Lady: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was he wearing?

Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with him?

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...

And the lady started crying.

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

For What it is Worth

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.   He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. "Oh, about $200 today," replied the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I’m out."    The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Okay," he said, "Here is the check for $1,000. It's postdated six years from now." 

Rules for a Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

Older Than Dirt Test

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And You Are..................

* 0-5 = You're still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don't tell your age
* 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Today’s Thought

Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

Friday's Funnies

Confused

• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
• Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

Signs of the Times

1. On the desk of a kindergarten teacher: "THINK SMALL"
2. Pawnshop sign: "Please See Me At Your Earliest Inconvenience."
3. Sign in Office: "The easiest way to make ends meet is to get off your own."
4. Sign at butcher shop: "Honest scales — No Two Weighs About It."
5. Sign by stuffed fish on wall: "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."
6. Sign on travel agency window: "Please Go Away!"

Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it.  "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.  Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Trees

~ It's important to have roots.

~ In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.

~ Don't pine away over old flames.

~ If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.

~ Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.

~ Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.

~ If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.

~ Grow where you're planted.

~ It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.

~ Avoid people who would like to cut you down.

~ Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.

~ If the party gets boring or dangerous, just leaf.

~ You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.

~ It's more important to be honest than poplar.

The Intercom

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom. She asked, "Is that okay now?" "Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Parental Discretion

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

Ocean Puns

What do fish need to stay healthy?

Vitamin Sea.

Why don't fish like basketball?

Because they're afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

How do shellfish get to the hospital?

In a clambulance.

Illustrating the Need

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."

You're an EXTREME Red Neck When...

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Today’s Thought

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in. 

Friday's Funnies

Oops

My boss called me today and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?"  I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day."  "Great. Can you do me a favor?"  "Sure, boss. What?"  "Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"

New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,  "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"  The CEO said, "Wait right here."  He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."  Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,  "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"  From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"

High Fructose Corn Syrup

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That's ridiculous!

Husband: OK, 'Ms. know it all'. If high fructose corn syrup didn't make me fat, what did?

Wife: Going back for thirds.

Diamonds

After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds. They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out.  As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like diamonds I can see."  Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

5. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

8. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

9. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

10. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

12. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

13. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Israelites out of Egypt

Nine year old Dewey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Dewey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A Parent’s Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,

I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,

Far from the daily family riot.

May I lie back and not have to think

About what they're stuffing down the sink,

Or who they're with, or where they're at

And what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfish dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean

(well don’t I have the right to dream?)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,

I must have lost them long ago!

Today’s Thought

Teach your kids about taxes.  Eat 30% of their ice cream