Friday's Funnies

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Missing Husband

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.

Lady: I lost my Husband.

Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Lady: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was he wearing?

Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with him?

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...

And the lady started crying.

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

For What it is Worth

While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.   He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. "Oh, about $200 today," replied the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I’m out."    The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Okay," he said, "Here is the check for $1,000. It's postdated six years from now." 

Rules for a Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories.  The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.

Older Than Dirt Test

Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party Telephone Lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive 4 - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards and Hudsons
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

And You Are..................

* 0-5 = You're still young
* 6-10 = You are getting older
* 11-15 = Don't tell your age
* 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Today’s Thought

Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.