For all our American friends, trust everyone had a
wonderful 4th of July!
A Message From The Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate
competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). We will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. It will of course be someone of proper
English lineage, such as Dame Judi Dench or Michael Caine, but most certainly
not Simon Cowell. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To
aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should
only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer. They are also part of the
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and
we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).
14. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save The Queen!
Water
"Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The
teacher asked. "H I J K L M N
0," answered Sally promptly. Her
teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water." "Sure it does," said Sally.
"My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."
Packaging
Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in
a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found
that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the
packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the
customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the
years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable
and also made me harder for other women to steal.
Today’s Thought
One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join
together. It will be called YouTwitFace.
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