Friday's Funnies

Things to ponder

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

6. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

7. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

8. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Sermons

There’s a story told about a lone cowboy who went to an evening service at a little country church up in Montana. There was a snowstorm and the only two people who showed up were the preacher and the cowboy. They waited and waited.   Finally the preacher said, "Well, I guess we might as well go on home, it doesn't look like anyone else is going to show up."   The cowboy responded, "Now preacher, when I go out to feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I still feed her!"   The preacher said "Okay," and proceeded to preach an hour-long sermon.   After it was over the cowboy said, "Preacher, that was a good sermon, but you know, when I feed cattle, and only one cow shows up, I don’t give her the whole load!" 

What Goes Around...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom, with a little grin, replied, "I remember."

Tech Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drawing a large sign, visible through a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are in a Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.”  

Unemployed

A guy had been out of work for months and was getting desperate to find a job, so he decided to stop by the local zoo and apply for a job there. The director of the zoo said they weren't hiring, so as the dejected man turned to leave the director noticed how large he was. He stopped the guy and said, "Wait. I have an idea. Our gorilla died a couple of weeks ago and he was our main attraction. It will be months before we are able to get another gorilla. Would you be willing to dress like a gorilla? It would really help us out of a jam."  Being desperate for work, he took the job. The first few days were incredibly boring, so to liven things up a bit he started doing some tricks and really putting on a show. Before long, huge crowds were gathered to watch what they thought was a real gorilla.   One day, while showing off, he was on a rope and was swinging out over the lion’s cage when the rope broke. He was terrified as he noticed a lion approaching him. He was afraid to scream for help thinking he might lose his job, but was afraid that if he didn't yell for help he might lose his life. So, he yelled out, "Help! Help!"   About that time the lion spoke up and said, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!"

Pearly Gates

A man dies. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"  "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate it'll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven."  "Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

Today’s Thought

Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year?