Friday's Funnies

Children

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and mom's age.

Border Problem

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day her son came into her room holding a letter.  "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"  "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

All I Really Need To Know I Learned From Noah’s Ark

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel.

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Elderly Floridian

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."

Cats

-          Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it."

-          To a cat's mind, all things belong to cats.

-          As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

-          There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

-          Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are Divine.

-          There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

-          The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm)

Practicing What You Preach?

Recently my wife was behind a car on which she noticed with three bumper stickers. One said, "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food! Demand labels and safety testing for food." The second said, ""Eat for the health of it." And the third said, "Support organic farmers." The car was in front of her at a McDonald's drive-through.

Times Change

Grandma was telling her little grand-daughter about her own childhood:  "We used to skate outside on a pond.  I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Age

My youngest son asked me how old I was.  I answered, "39 and holding."  He thought for a moment and then asked, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

Today’s Stock Market Report:

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Balloon prices were inflated.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.