Friday's Funnies

Day Three

My Sunday school class of kindergartners was studying the Bible's creation account. After several weeks, we were ready to review. "What did God make the first day?" I quizzed. "The second day?" They answered both questions correctly. "And what happened on the third day?" I asked. One little child, face shining with enthusiasm, exclaimed, "He rose from the dead!"

Tax Return

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.  "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"  "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."  "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."

Palm Sunday

Our daughter, an ROTC cadet, was ordered to Fort Indiantown Gap in Pennsylvania for field exercises. Since it was the Easter season, she requested permission to attend church services on Palm Sunday. The troops were in the field at the time, so the commanding officer agreed only if there happened to be a church in the vicinity of their maneuvers. When a small country church was seen along the road, our daughter entered quietly, hoping to be unnoticed in spite of her leaf-and-branch camouflage. But all eyes turned upon her as a small child cried in amazement, "Look, somebody came as a palm!"

Tax Office

A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at everyone.  "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.  "No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years."

Free Will

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes!'"

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"  Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Responsible

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Getting Old

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.   'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"  Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to fit for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."  The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Today’s Thought for Easter & Tax Day

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 

Friday's Funnies

First Day of School

A child comes home from his first day at school.  His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"  The kid replies, "Not enough I guess. I have to go back again tomorrow."

A man fell into a pit and couldn't get himself out...

~ A subjective person came along and said, "I feel for you down there."

~ An objective person walked by and said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."

~ A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, "You deserve your pit."

~ A psychologist noted, "Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit."

~ A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit."

~ An optimist said, "Things could be worse."

~ A pessimist claimed, "Things WILL get worse."

Returns

"I don't like to bring this up," said the Doctor, "but that check of yours came back." "I don't like to mention this, either, Doc," said the patient, "but so did my ailment."

Point System

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."  "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart."  "That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points."  "Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."  "Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That’s certainly worth a point."  "One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."  "Fantastic, that"s good for two more points," he says.  "Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."  "Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"

You Might Be a Technician if...

- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

- you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."

- you think your computer looks better without the cover.

- you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

- you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- the salespeople at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

- the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.

- you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

- you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, and you actually know where they are.

- you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

- you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

Punished?

Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

Today’s Thought

A new government study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Friday's Funnies

Here's Wisdom

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

Religious Horse

A preacher was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is 'Praise the Lord,' and stop is 'Amen.'"  So the man gets on the horse and says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"  The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.  The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"

Diet

Just saw a little blurb mentioning a "plant-based" diet and realized that most of my food comes from plants --specifically Hostess, Frito-Lay, whoever makes Cap'n Crunch, Hershey's, etc., etc.

Meteorologically Speaking

My sister answered an advertisement for a typist to work on a book on weather forecasting. She gave her typing speed as "Approximately 55 w.p.m. with occasional gusts of 60 to 65 w.p.m."  She got the job.

Copycat

A man in a hurry, taking his eight-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Mrs. Smith

"Did you see how pleased Mrs. Smith looked when I told her she didn't look a day older than her daughter?"  "I didn't notice Mrs. Smith....I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter's face!"

A Sad Passing

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth , Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Today’s Thought

Inflation hasn't ruined everything...A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.

Friday's Funnies

The Copycat

Bob deliberately sat behind the cleverest boy in the class and was accused of cheating and copying his answers from Billy. When Bob asked why the teacher thought this, she answered, "All of your answers are the same, apart from question 2 where Billy wrote, ‘I don't know the answer,' and you wrote, ‘neither do I."

Texting Elderly

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.  One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."  The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."

Huh?

Reputedly this is an actual classified ad from a San Francisco newspaper: "To all you hunters who kill animals for food, shame on you; you ought to go to the store and buy the meat that was made there, where no animals were harmed."

Forgiveness

"Why do you keep talking about my past mistakes?" said the husband. "I thought you had forgiven and forgotten." "I have, indeed, forgiven and forgotten," said the wife. "But I want to make sure that you don't forget that I have forgiven and forgotten."

Echo-cardiogram

I went to the cardiologist today for an echo-cardiogram. The doctor prepared the machine and began the process of taking a sonogram of my heart.  "Huh," he said. "That's weird."
I stared at him with an expression of curiosity and growing concern. "What?"  "You said you're a law student, right?" the doctor asked.  "Yes," I replied, confused.  The doctor exclaimed, "Well, there's actually a heart in here! Want me to take a picture for you so you can prove it to people once you're an attorney?"

The Range

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scrawniest beasts I have ever seen."  One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"  "Are you kidding," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Signs

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:        

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Today’s Thought

Don't mess with people who do yoga...you'll be surprised how quickly they get bent out of shape.

Friday's Funnies

Present: Tense

Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong. "Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Steve. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly." "That's easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'." "Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

Shocking

My wife had just bought a five-year-old car. The first time I drove it, I told her something seemed to be wrong with the suspension. I parked the car and then proceeded to give it a "shock test." I clasped one hand over the other, squared my shoulders, pushed down with all my weight on the corner and quickly released it to see if it bounced more than once. I repeated this several times. A pedestrian standing behind me observed, "I doubt that even CPR could start that car."

To Protect & Serve

As a fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five-year-old who was being scolded. "Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot-two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

Marriage and Men

·         When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

·         Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.

·         Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

·         Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

·         A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

·         Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

·         The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

·         Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects that prevented her from getting a better husband than the one she married!

The Value of a Brief Sermon

The best illustration of the value of brevity in preaching was given by Mark Twain. He said that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars. After ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars. After a half-hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory, when the plate was passed he stole two dollars.

The Name Game

A little boy was asked whether he was excited about the new baby his mother was expecting. "Yes!" the four-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too — I heard Mommy and Daddy talking. If it's a girl we're going to call it Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Feeling Youthful

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

How To Eat Like A Child

Peas: Mash into thin sheet on a plate. Press back of fork into peas, hold fork vertically, prongs up, and lick off peas.

Mashed Potatoes: Pat mashed potatoes flat on top. Dig several little depressions. Think of them as ponds or pools. Fill pools with gravy. With fork, sculpt rivers between them. Decorate with peas. Do not eat. Alternate method: Make a large hole in center of mashed potatoes. Pour in ketchup. Stir until potatoes turn pink. Eat as you would peas.

Sandwich: Leave the crusts. If your mother says you have to eat them because that's the best part, stuff them into your pocket or between the cushions of the couch.

Spaghetti: Wind too many strands on fork and make sure at least two strands dangle down. Open mouth wide and stuff in spaghetti; suck noisily to inhale dangling strands. Clean plate, ask for seconds, and eat only half. When carrying plate to kitchen, hold tilted so that remaining spaghetti slides onto the floor.

Ice Cream Cone: Ask for double scoop. Knock the top scoop off while walking out the door of the ice cream parlor. Cry. Lick remaining scoop slowly so that ice cream melts down outside of the cone and over your hand. Stop licking when ice cream is even with top of cone. Eat a hole in bottom of cone and suck the rest of ice cream out of the bottom. When only cone remains with ice cream coating inside, leave cone on car dashboard.

Spinach: Divide into little piles. Rearrange into new piles. After five or six maneuvers, sit back and say you are full.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Half-sit, half-lie on bed, propped up by pillow. Read a book. Place cookies next to you on sheet so that crumbs get in bed. As you eat the cookies, remove each chocolate chip and place it on your stomach. When all cookies are consumed, eat chips one by one, allowing two per page.

Milkshake: Bite off end of paper covering straw. Blow through straw to shoot paper across the table. Place straw in shake and suck. When shake just reaches your mouth, place a finger over top of straw - the pressure will keep the shake in straw. Lift straw out of shake, put bottom end in mouth, release finger, and swallow. Do this until straw is squashed so you can't suck through it. Ask for another straw. This time shoot paper at the waitress or waiter when they aren't looking. Sip your shake casually until there is about an inch of shake remaining. Then blow through straw until bubbles rise to top of glass. When your father says he's had just about enough, get a stomach ache.

Today’s Thought

Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say, “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

Friday's Funnies

Work Quotes

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work." (Robert Frost)

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (Edgar Bergen)

"Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished." (Leslie Nielsen)

"The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job." (Slappy White)

"I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y.'" (Robert Paul)

"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up." (Muhammad Ali)

"A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error." (Dennis Miller)

Argument

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.  Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.  "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."  He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"  "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.  "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
 
Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question:Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS!

Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

New Math

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

AN AIRHEAD'S COOKING DIARY

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted to go out together and get a drink. Since they advertised that drinks were on the house, I took a ladder.  Not sure how this is going to work since Tom made me put it back.

Wednesday: Tom asked for salad for supper, so I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Thursday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Friday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Saturday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Sunday: This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Friday's Funnies

Fair Compensation

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.  "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."  The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.  "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

Ladies, Read Only The First Part -- Men, The Rest

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."  The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"  The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."  The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."  The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."  Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.  Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.  Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

When I win the lottery

Bubba and Bo, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.  "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.  "Do what?" asked Bo.  "Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

Why oh Why???

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bad golfer

Bad Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Today’s Thought

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.