Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh
+++++
Judgment Day
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?""No," he said, "they live two farms down.""No, I mean are you lost?""No, I've been here thirty years.""I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?""When is it?""Could be today or tomorrow.""Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
Call to Another Church
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants, and as many of those little silverfish, you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
Farewell Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the churchhe served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++
Is That Wedding Music That I Hear?
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband, Burk, were participating (she played and he sang). During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."
Marriage Counseling
A couple who was having problems with their marriage went to a counselor. He suggested to them to get a waterbed, it just might bring them together. So they got one. But instead of coming together, they just drifted apart!
Two Miracles
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
The Dancer
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party with several well-to-do guests attending. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. As a guest watched.. one gardener was busy weeding when the other suddenly leaped high into the air, spun about, and gracefully swirled. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $500 to dance at my next party!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for $500 you could step on that rake again?'
+++++
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
Friday, August 21, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
Dual Purpose
I met someone getting on the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."
A Horse Tale
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"
Actual Classified Ad
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month and discovered wife knows everything.
+++++
There was an old couple who were always forgetting things.They were always forgetting milk at the grocery store, etc. So one day they decided to make a list of the things they need at the grocery store. They went to the grocery store with their list and didn't forget a single thing. The old couple were so proud of themselves, that they decided to celebrate. "You know," the old man said, "I could really use an Ice Cream Sundae right now with nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel, and a cherry on top." The old woman says, "You know, that really sounds good. I'll go make it." "You should make a list or you'll forget," the man warned. "Oh no. This is so good I won't forget," she argued back. The old woman goes into the kitchen and starts making the Sundae. An half hour later she comes back out with eggs, bacon. sausages, pancakes, and hashbrowns. The old man shakes his head and says: "I told you to make a list! You forgot the toast!"
+++++
A psychologist, an engineer, and a theologian were on a hunting trip in Northern Minnesota. Seeking shelter from a bitter cold, they knocked on the door of a small, isolated cabin. No one was home, but the front door was unlocked, and they entered.
They saw something strange. A large, pot-bellied stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. Why would a stove be elevated from the floor?
The psychologist concluded: “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother’s womb.”
The engineer theorized: “The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
The theologian speculated: “I’m sure that hanging this stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
While they were debating the matter, the trapper returned. They immediately asked him why he had hung his pot-bellied stove by wires from the ceiling.
“Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe,” the trapper said.
+++++
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
Dual Purpose
I met someone getting on the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."
A Horse Tale
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"
Actual Classified Ad
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month and discovered wife knows everything.
+++++
There was an old couple who were always forgetting things.They were always forgetting milk at the grocery store, etc. So one day they decided to make a list of the things they need at the grocery store. They went to the grocery store with their list and didn't forget a single thing. The old couple were so proud of themselves, that they decided to celebrate. "You know," the old man said, "I could really use an Ice Cream Sundae right now with nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel, and a cherry on top." The old woman says, "You know, that really sounds good. I'll go make it." "You should make a list or you'll forget," the man warned. "Oh no. This is so good I won't forget," she argued back. The old woman goes into the kitchen and starts making the Sundae. An half hour later she comes back out with eggs, bacon. sausages, pancakes, and hashbrowns. The old man shakes his head and says: "I told you to make a list! You forgot the toast!"
+++++
A psychologist, an engineer, and a theologian were on a hunting trip in Northern Minnesota. Seeking shelter from a bitter cold, they knocked on the door of a small, isolated cabin. No one was home, but the front door was unlocked, and they entered.
They saw something strange. A large, pot-bellied stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. Why would a stove be elevated from the floor?
The psychologist concluded: “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother’s womb.”
The engineer theorized: “The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
The theologian speculated: “I’m sure that hanging this stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
While they were debating the matter, the trapper returned. They immediately asked him why he had hung his pot-bellied stove by wires from the ceiling.
“Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe,” the trapper said.
+++++
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Wisdom Beyond His Years
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
Feeling Old Yet?
A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week. She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"
At the Movies
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she snapped. "This is a private conversation."
Suthen-isms:
· Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
· Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
· Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
· Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
· All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
· Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.
Out of the mouths of…
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.The Brunette team down below really hooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
Feeling Old Yet?
A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week. She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"
At the Movies
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she snapped. "This is a private conversation."
Suthen-isms:
· Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
· Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
· Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
· Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
· All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
· Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.
Out of the mouths of…
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.The Brunette team down below really hooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Children's Science Exam
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
+++++
Prayer
A mom was driving her five year old son, Chad, to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the Mom saw something terrible like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray." From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Signs You Are Broke
· You can't even pay attention.
· You stop getting offers from those credit card companies trying to get you to transfer your other credit card balances to theirs.
· You forget whose picture is on a Lincoln penny.
· You hock the spare tire from your car.
· You try to take out a bank loan and learn you'll have to use your first-born male child for collateral.
· American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
· You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
· Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
· You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
· Your bologna has no first name.
· Sally Struthers sends you food.
· McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
+++++
WELL PLANNED RETIREMENT: FROM THE LONDON TIMES
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
It was staffed by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars $1.40 and coaches $7.00. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Well," said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone City Council and have them send a new parking attendant."
"Aahhh... no," said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"No," said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council.
Wasn't he?"
"No!" insisted the Council. "We thought he was your employee all of these years."
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or on a white sandy beach somewhere, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about $560 per day at the Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!
And no one even knows his name.
Golden. Simply golden.
+++++
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
+++++
Prayer
A mom was driving her five year old son, Chad, to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the Mom saw something terrible like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray." From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Signs You Are Broke
· You can't even pay attention.
· You stop getting offers from those credit card companies trying to get you to transfer your other credit card balances to theirs.
· You forget whose picture is on a Lincoln penny.
· You hock the spare tire from your car.
· You try to take out a bank loan and learn you'll have to use your first-born male child for collateral.
· American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
· You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
· Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
· You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
· Your bologna has no first name.
· Sally Struthers sends you food.
· McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
+++++
WELL PLANNED RETIREMENT: FROM THE LONDON TIMES
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
It was staffed by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars $1.40 and coaches $7.00. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Well," said Bristol Zoo Management, "we'd better phone City Council and have them send a new parking attendant."
"Aahhh... no," said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"No," said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council.
Wasn't he?"
"No!" insisted the Council. "We thought he was your employee all of these years."
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or on a white sandy beach somewhere, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about $560 per day at the Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million!
And no one even knows his name.
Golden. Simply golden.
+++++
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Fast Acting
A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "Wow! This really works!"
Flying
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Noah
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty days. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?" One little boy gave her a funny look and said, "I don't think so. It's kinda hard to fish with just two worms!"
The Noise
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
The Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
+++++
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
A long-married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said, "Wow! This really works!"
Flying
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request." "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."
Noah
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty days. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?" One little boy gave her a funny look and said, "I don't think so. It's kinda hard to fish with just two worms!"
The Noise
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Removed bowling ball from trunk".
The Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
+++++
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
23. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
24. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
25. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
26. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
30. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday's Funnies
No Parking
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?" "No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?" "What about all those other cars in there?" He shrugged. "They didn't ask."
To Make It Clear
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
Argument
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Seen on a Gospel Singer's Blog
Most traveling Gospel groups would agree with this: A group with a bus can be a lot like a man with a boat -- his two happiest days are the day he buys it and the day he sells it!!
The Cut-up
Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon. While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
+++++
Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, July31st 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering g Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
+++++
Ten Observations About Marriage
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why many wives treat their husbands like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?" "No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?" "What about all those other cars in there?" He shrugged. "They didn't ask."
To Make It Clear
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
Argument
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Seen on a Gospel Singer's Blog
Most traveling Gospel groups would agree with this: A group with a bus can be a lot like a man with a boat -- his two happiest days are the day he buys it and the day he sells it!!
The Cut-up
Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon. While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
+++++
Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, July31st 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering g Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
+++++
Ten Observations About Marriage
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why many wives treat their husbands like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Friday's Funnies
The Sermon
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
Confession
A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the man. "What have you done?" asked the priest. "I housed a refugee during the second world war." "That is not a sin," replied the priest. "You don't understand," replied the man. "I made him pay rent." To which the priest replied, "Well, that wasn't very charitable, but I wouldn't say it's a sin." "Then, Father, may I ask your opinion of something?" "Of course," said the priest. "Should I tell him the war is over?"
The Tip
My sister-in-law had worked as a waitress at an Atlanta restaurant. One day, a large family came in to eat. In accordance with the restaurant's policy of serving large parties, the tip was automatically added to the bill. After she presented the bill to the father, she heard him bellow, "Gratuity? Who ordered the gratuity? I told you kids that we weren't going to order dessert!"
Clerical Manners
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
Not Purfect
"I am not purfect by no means."
What It Means
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
How To Do It
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here' s a copy of the order of service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
Dinner Is Ready
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
Say What You Mean
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
+++++
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the employment premises.
Take two good friends and go to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
Confession
A man went into confession one day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said the man. "What have you done?" asked the priest. "I housed a refugee during the second world war." "That is not a sin," replied the priest. "You don't understand," replied the man. "I made him pay rent." To which the priest replied, "Well, that wasn't very charitable, but I wouldn't say it's a sin." "Then, Father, may I ask your opinion of something?" "Of course," said the priest. "Should I tell him the war is over?"
The Tip
My sister-in-law had worked as a waitress at an Atlanta restaurant. One day, a large family came in to eat. In accordance with the restaurant's policy of serving large parties, the tip was automatically added to the bill. After she presented the bill to the father, she heard him bellow, "Gratuity? Who ordered the gratuity? I told you kids that we weren't going to order dessert!"
Clerical Manners
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
Not Purfect
"I am not purfect by no means."
What It Means
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
How To Do It
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here' s a copy of the order of service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.
Dinner Is Ready
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
Say What You Mean
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
+++++
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the employment premises.
Take two good friends and go to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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