Friday's Funnies

Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

Dual Purpose
I met someone getting on the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

A Horse Tale
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Actual Classified Ad
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There was an old couple who were always forgetting things.They were always forgetting milk at the grocery store, etc. So one day they decided to make a list of the things they need at the grocery store. They went to the grocery store with their list and didn't forget a single thing. The old couple were so proud of themselves, that they decided to celebrate. "You know," the old man said, "I could really use an Ice Cream Sundae right now with nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel, and a cherry on top." The old woman says, "You know, that really sounds good. I'll go make it." "You should make a list or you'll forget," the man warned. "Oh no. This is so good I won't forget," she argued back. The old woman goes into the kitchen and starts making the Sundae. An half hour later she comes back out with eggs, bacon. sausages, pancakes, and hashbrowns. The old man shakes his head and says: "I told you to make a list! You forgot the toast!"

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A psychologist, an engineer, and a theologian were on a hunting trip in Northern Minnesota. Seeking shelter from a bitter cold, they knocked on the door of a small, isolated cabin. No one was home, but the front door was unlocked, and they entered.

They saw something strange. A large, pot-bellied stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. Why would a stove be elevated from the floor?

The psychologist concluded: “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother’s womb.”

The engineer theorized: “The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”

The theologian speculated: “I’m sure that hanging this stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries.”

While they were debating the matter, the trapper returned. They immediately asked him why he had hung his pot-bellied stove by wires from the ceiling.

“Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe,” the trapper said.

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'