Friday's Funnies

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh

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Judgment Day
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?""No," he said, "they live two farms down.""No, I mean are you lost?""No, I've been here thirty years.""I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?""When is it?""Could be today or tomorrow.""Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"

Call to Another Church
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants, and as many of those little silverfish, you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Farewell Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the churchhe served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."

Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"

Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

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Is That Wedding Music That I Hear?
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband, Burk, were participating (she played and he sang). During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."

Marriage Counseling
A couple who was having problems with their marriage went to a counselor. He suggested to them to get a waterbed, it just might bring them together. So they got one. But instead of coming together, they just drifted apart!

Two Miracles
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

The Dancer
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party with several well-to-do guests attending. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. As a guest watched.. one gardener was busy weeding when the other suddenly leaped high into the air, spun about, and gracefully swirled. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $500 to dance at my next party!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for $500 you could step on that rake again?'

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After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"