Friday's Funnies

No Parking
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?" "No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?" "What about all those other cars in there?" He shrugged. "They didn't ask."

To Make It Clear
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

Argument
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Seen on a Gospel Singer's Blog
Most traveling Gospel groups would agree with this: A group with a bus can be a lot like a man with a boat -- his two happiest days are the day he buys it and the day he sells it!!

The Cut-up
Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon. While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

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Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, July31st 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion - Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering g Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Ten Observations About Marriage

1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then, so are thunder and lightning.
2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
4. Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why many wives treat their husbands like toxic waste.
10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.