Friday's Funnies

 Happy New Year

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

 

Easy New Year's Resolutions

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my pajamas. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will not bore my boss with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I “really” need nine e-mail addresses.

I resolve to work with neglected children - my own.

I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

 

Dreams

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

Annoyed

Did you ever wonder, why a Gen X is always annoyed? Well, first, they had to ditch their vinyls for cassette tapes. Then, they had to swap those for CDs. And now? They're paying a monthly subscription just to hear the same songs they bought four times already!

 

Learning Languages

A German, looking for directions in Paris, pulls up to a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Parlez-vous français?" he says. The two continue to stare, so the German tries again "Parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off. The first American says, "You know, we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" asks the other. "He knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

What Is Love?

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." - Rebecca - age 8

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age - 4

Insurance Salesman

"My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." "We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?" "I could not swim," my cousin replied. He got the job.

 

Dad Joke

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier. But it was getting late so we called it a knight.

 

Today’s Thought

This year went by so fast... I didn't even have time to lose weight.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Special

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

 

Santa is Smart

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can't do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don't worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"

 

The Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

Which Comes First?

All too often, Christmas is a race to see which gives out first — your money or your feet.

 

Christmas Funnies

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: "I am the ghost of Christmas presents!"

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn't the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

I Know

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?!

Self-Serve Christmas

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much one Christmas, so she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards. In each card she wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off. After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks in her desk! Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside, but without the checks!

 

Dear Santa

Dear Santa, Before I try to explain myself, how much do you already know?

 

Top 10 Things To Say About A Holiday Gift You Don't Like

10. Hey! There's a gift.

9. Well, well, well...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6. Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. I really don't deserve this. 

Dad Joke

Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.

Today’s Thought

Judging by my December budget, I'll only be giving hugs for Christmas.

Friday's Funnies

Punctuation

I'm giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I'm giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

 

Sack Of Chickens

There were two Congressmen walking toward each other down the street. One Congressman was carrying a sack. When they met up, the second Congressman asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?" The Congressman with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The second Congressman said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" The first Congressman answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right." So, the second Congressman thought and thought. Finally he guessed. "Five?" (and we keep electing them.)

Job Interview

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

 

Book Titles and Authors

Tight Situation by Leah Tard

Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! by Theresa Green

No! by Kurt Reply

Raising Mosquitos by I. Itch

Cliff Jumping by Hugo Furst

Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

New Exercise Routine

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

 

Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. “It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."

You’re A Mom If.... 

·         You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·         You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·         You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·         You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·         There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·         The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·         You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·         Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

 

Dad Joke

Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?

Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push-ups.

Today’s Thought

My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.

Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving Reality

I suppose I will never know what pumpkin pie tastes like when you actually have room for it.

 

Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much At Thanksgiving

- Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

- You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

- You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

- Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

- You're sweatin' gravy.

 

Who Is Smarter?

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

Medicine

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?

Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I'd rather have the cough.

New Neighbors

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door. "Hey Dad,” announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?" "No." "Come on Dad, you have to meet them." "Some other time; I'm busy." "Dad, you have to meet them now." From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there. "Where are they?" I asked. "Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

Airborne Recruiting

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. "Well," he said, "its three weeks long." "What else," I asked. "The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools." "And the third week?" I asked. "The third week, the fools jump."

Grandparents

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my granddaughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff.  It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa." "Exactly," I replied.

Birthday Greetings

Seen on a birthday card. Forget about the past. You can't change it. Forget about the future. You can't predict it.

Inside: Forget about the present. I didn't buy you one.

Vocation

"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend. "He wants to be a garbage man," he replied. "That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age." "Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

 

Signs You're Getting Older

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
4. Your children begin to look middle aged.
5. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
6. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
7. You look forward to a dull evening.
8. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
9. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
10. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
11. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.
12. Your back goes out more than you do.
13. The little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.
14. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
15. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
16. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
18. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
19. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
20. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

Dad Joke

My family pleaded with me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't quit cold turkey.

 

Today’s Thought

If someone from Ziploc could literally contact anyone in the cereal business, that would be great.

Friday's Funnies (Thanksgiving)

 Thanksgiving Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Pumpkin Pie

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift.  As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note.  It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.  Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

Corny Thanksgiving Jokes

 

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you at Christmas.

Thankfulness

 

There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that I'm not a turkey.

 

Thanksgiving One-Liners

 

What did the turkey say to the computer?

Google, google, google!

 

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?

Pil-grimace.

 

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?

Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream.

 

What sound does a limping turkey make?

Wobble, wobble!

 

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

 

What's the most musical part of a turkey?

The drumstick.

 

When is the turkey soup bad for your health?

When you are the turkey.

 

Why can't you take a turkey to church?

They use fowl language

 

What do you call a running turkey?

Fast food.

 

Today's Thought

 

If Pilgrims were still alive, what would they be known for? Their age.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Three Men

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins!" "That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets!" The third man shouted, "OH NO, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"

 

More Men

A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," he replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

An Italian tourist asks a man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats? To which the man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Two men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

 

Creative

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around and for the first time in months everybody gave.

Dog Jokes

What is a dog dentist’s favorite tooth?

The canine.

 

Who wears a fur coat in the winter and pants in the summer?

My dog.

 

What is a dog’s favorite song to listen to after a bath?

“Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift.

 

Why did the boy name his dog Ten Miles?

So he could tell his gym teacher he walked Ten Miles every day.

 

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

 

Why was the dog such a good musician?

Because he had perfect “pooch.”

 

What did the dad say when his daughter asked, “Have you seen the dog bowl?”

“No. I didn’t even know he could hold a bowling ball!”

 

Why did the dog cross the road?

To get to the barking lot.

 

Why is a dog like a tree?

They both have a bark.

 

Why was everyone shocked that I let my pup drive my car?

They had never seen a dog park before.

 

Why can’t you tell a dog a knock-knock joke?

Because every time she hears knocking, she won’t stop barking.

 

How can you tell if your dog is lazy?

He only chases parked cars.

 

Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

 

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ We will have a Super Bowel party this Sunday night.  We will also have our regular service

~ Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

~ The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

~ Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.

~ Church sign: Jesus Saves! Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

~ The group of ladies called Moms, care and pray for the children in school. When their meeting was cancelled one week: There will be no Moms who care this week.

Dad Joke

Why was the broom late for the meeting? It overswept.

 

Today’s Thought

The fact that Arkansas and Kansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

Friday's Funnies

 Epidural

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

 

Alexa

"Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy?" Alexa: "Apple juice."

 

Sunday Sermons

One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to the congregation, "My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes; a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour; and a coin sermon that lasts till noon." "Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."

 

Learning Chinese

Although I am of Chinese descent, I never really learned to speak Chinese. One evening, I came home boasting about a wonderful meal I had eaten in Chinatown. Unfortunately, I could not remember the name of the restaurant but was able to write the Chinese character that was on the door and show it to my mother. "Do you know what it says?" Mom answered with a smile, "It says 'Pull.'"

Quotes

I'm sixty-five and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-eight.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

I had arrived at the airport two hours early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Health Policy

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

 

House-Warming Party

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.

Middle Age

A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 

Eternal Life

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die, but fat cells seem to have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior because they appear to have eternal life!

 

Dad Joke

I always pray before my trigonometry tests. I am hoping for a sine from above.

 

Today's Thought

The word "nun" is basically just the letter n doing a cartwheel.

Friday's Funnies

Puns of the Weak

It's been said that anyone can become president of the United States. Jefferson did it. Nixon did it. Truman did it. Apparently, any Tom, Dick, and Harry can be president! (Richard Lederer)

How would you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer. Answer: One Word

A friend's daughter, Callie, had enrolled in a Spanish class taught by a Hispanic teacher. "I'm not familiar with that name," he said. "Does it start with a K?" She replied, "C." Ever since, he has spelled her name "Kallie."

Never Married

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married. He replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "It turns out she was looking for the perfect man."

Pets

Dogs lick you because they love you. Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner.

Conan O'Brien Quotes

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study, "Duh."

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

Mistakes from actual resumes

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." "I'm a rabid typist."

SPECIAL REQUESTS:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed, and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

Doctor’s Orders

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Not Working

Ate a box of Girl Scouts' Thin Mints cookies. Didn't get thinner. I don't think they work.

Final Exam

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam. The professor looked the student over and replied, "I think you will have lots of problems on the final."

Math Pun

A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.

Dad Joke

It's true that exercise helps with decision making. I went for a run this morning and decided never to do that again.

Today’s Thought

A tree's way of getting even is a paper cut.

Friday's Funnies

 October Decorations

It's finally October, which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

 

Please God

A man once said to God, "What's a million years to you?" And God said, "A second." Then the man said to God, "What's a million dollars to you?" And God said, "A penny." So the man said to God, "Would you give me a penny?" God stopped and said, "Yes I will, just a second."

 

The Great Question

A Shaolin monk, a great philosopher and a minister were walking down a country road and came upon a young farm boy. At that moment the four of them looked up to see a chicken crossing the road. The question arose, why does the chicken cross the road? The Shaolin monk said it's the destiny of the chicken to seek its own path. The great philosopher said its action teaches a lesson in the ways of nature much like life itself. The minister said it's because it follows the plan of our maker under his divine rule. Just then the young farm boy spoke up, "Actually, it's because I left the chicken coop door open."

Wills Explained

I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: "Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?" After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."

Ten Commandments for Seniors

1.      Talk to yourself. There are times when you need expert advice.

2.      "In style" are the clothes that still fit.

3.      You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

4.      Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5.      The biggest lie you tell yourself is: "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6.      "On time" is when you get there.

7.      You've noticed people your age is much older than you.

8.      Ageing has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

9.      You still haven't learned to act your age, and I hope you never will.

10.  "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

 

Netflix Era Kids

Netflix era kids will never know the adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/ bedroom in a single ad break with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming "It's ONNNNNN" to send you hurtling over furniture to get back in time.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." (WOW! I really like this one -- it says I'm only 38!)

 

3. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

4. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

 

5. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

6. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Promotions

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Chad," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"  "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Dad Joke         

The other day I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

 

Today’s Thought

I'm a kid at heart and a senior citizen in the knees, hips & back.

Friday's Funnies

 Gas Prices

I was robbed at the gas station today! I called the police, and they asked if I knew who did it? I said yes, pump #6.

 

New Mother Instructions

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple," he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Broke

A woman's husband died. He had $100,000 to his name. After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left. The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $100,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $16,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $1500, and I spent another $1500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend asked, "$80,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?" The widow replied, "Three carats."

 

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"

 

Inner Peace

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips, and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...

 

Quotes from Jay Leno

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well, that should cheer them up.

A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, that they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?

According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.

Diet Buddies

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great!" Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

Jury Decision

The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict. After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner. Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?" Foreman: "Insanity, sir." Judge: "What, all twelve of you?"

Suba Divers

While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Travel

Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die. - Mark Twain

A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car. - Emile Ganest

I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. - Bob Hope

Dad Joke

I can't remember the name of my homing pigeon but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Today’s Thought

If you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

Friday's Funnies

Waiter

A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my food with your hand all over it!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Just Saying 

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

 1. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!" I'll probably never put on lipstick again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper goodbye.

 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me a happy birthday. He asked how old I was, and I told him, "72." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire that hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and said, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

 

Funny Kids

- My five-year-old was in bed for a while, then yelled, "Mommy, come here!" I yelled back, "Why?"
Then she yelled, "I haven't thought of a reason yet."

- 7yo: "Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least two more for my dance team."

- My six-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me and said, "I'm not going all the way to the ocean right now."

What Makes You So Smart

A customer at Gene's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Gene, what makes you so smart?" "Fish heads," says Gene. "You eat enough of them; you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Gene. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and that he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Gene. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Gene," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Gene. "You're smarter already."

 

Reality 

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do?

 

Lantern Trial

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Ten Songs for People Over 40

9. Let's Get a Physical
8. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
7. Johnny B. Olde
6. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
5. The Lack O' Motion
4. Hair Potion Number Nine
3. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
2. A Hard Day's Nap
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

Parrot Dream Fulfilled

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Dad Joke

My company is better at making sunscreen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!

Today's Thought

The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

Friday's Funnies

 Getting Wife’s Attention

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

 

Qualified Accountant

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director. The chief executive thought that one candidate, Chad, seemed ideal. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Chad also had a master's degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques. "Chad," said the chief executive, "we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified, we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you $120,000 a year." "Thank you," replied Chad. "But how much is that per month?"

 

Carpenters

Janice had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen. One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."

Erma Bombeck Quotes

-          Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

-          When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

-          If I had my life to live over, I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

-          If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

-          All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

-          Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

-          It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

-          I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

-          I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

-          Never have more children than you have car windows.

-          For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

 

New Baby Coming

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

Wealthy Socialite

The wealthy socialite Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran assistant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests' names as they arrive." Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years."

Things You Need To Know If You Move To The South

 

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

4. Onced and Twiced are words.

5. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

6. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?

7. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

8. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

9. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

10. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

11. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

12. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

13. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

14. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

15. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

16. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

18. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.

19. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)

20. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

21. You know what a hissy fit is..

22. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

23. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.

25. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

Dad Joke

One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking.