Friday's Funnies

 Epidural

My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"

 

Alexa

"Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy?" Alexa: "Apple juice."

 

Sunday Sermons

One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to the congregation, "My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes; a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour; and a coin sermon that lasts till noon." "Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."

 

Learning Chinese

Although I am of Chinese descent, I never really learned to speak Chinese. One evening, I came home boasting about a wonderful meal I had eaten in Chinatown. Unfortunately, I could not remember the name of the restaurant but was able to write the Chinese character that was on the door and show it to my mother. "Do you know what it says?" Mom answered with a smile, "It says 'Pull.'"

Quotes

I'm sixty-five and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-eight.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

I had arrived at the airport two hours early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Health Policy

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

 

House-Warming Party

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party. Now I'm homeless.

Middle Age

A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 

Eternal Life

Brain cells die, skin cells die, even hair cells die, but fat cells seem to have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior because they appear to have eternal life!

 

Dad Joke

I always pray before my trigonometry tests. I am hoping for a sine from above.

 

Today's Thought

The word "nun" is basically just the letter n doing a cartwheel.