Friday's Funnies

 Gas Prices

I was robbed at the gas station today! I called the police, and they asked if I knew who did it? I said yes, pump #6.

 

New Mother Instructions

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple," he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Broke

A woman's husband died. He had $100,000 to his name. After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left. The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $100,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $16,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $1500, and I spent another $1500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend asked, "$80,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?" The widow replied, "Three carats."

 

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"

 

Inner Peace

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips, and a chocolate cake. I feel better already...

 

Quotes from Jay Leno

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well, that should cheer them up.

A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But it evens out because men only listen half the time.

Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, that they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?

According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.

Diet Buddies

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great!" Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

Jury Decision

The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict. After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner. Judge: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?" Foreman: "Insanity, sir." Judge: "What, all twelve of you?"

Suba Divers

While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Travel

Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die. - Mark Twain

A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car. - Emile Ganest

I've been to almost as many places as my luggage. - Bob Hope

Dad Joke

I can't remember the name of my homing pigeon but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Today’s Thought

If you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.