Friday's Funnies (Thanksgiving)

 Thanksgiving Forecast

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Pumpkin Pie

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift.  As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note.  It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie.  Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

Corny Thanksgiving Jokes

 

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda?
A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you at Christmas.

Thankfulness

 

There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how thankful I am that I'm not a turkey.

 

Thanksgiving One-Liners

 

What did the turkey say to the computer?

Google, google, google!

 

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?

Pil-grimace.

 

What's the best way to stuff a turkey?

Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream.

 

What sound does a limping turkey make?

Wobble, wobble!

 

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

 

What's the most musical part of a turkey?

The drumstick.

 

When is the turkey soup bad for your health?

When you are the turkey.

 

Why can't you take a turkey to church?

They use fowl language

 

What do you call a running turkey?

Fast food.

 

Today's Thought

 

If Pilgrims were still alive, what would they be known for? Their age.