Friday's Funnies

Punctuation

I'm giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I'm giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

 

Sack Of Chickens

There were two Congressmen walking toward each other down the street. One Congressman was carrying a sack. When they met up, the second Congressman asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?" The Congressman with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The second Congressman said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" The first Congressman answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right." So, the second Congressman thought and thought. Finally he guessed. "Five?" (and we keep electing them.)

Job Interview

Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."

Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

 

Book Titles and Authors

Tight Situation by Leah Tard

Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank

Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves

Look Younger by Fay Slift

Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand

It's Springtime! by Theresa Green

No! by Kurt Reply

Raising Mosquitos by I. Itch

Cliff Jumping by Hugo Furst

Golf Game

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."

New Exercise Routine

I started a new exercise routine. Every day I do diddly-squats.

 

Red Skelton Quotes

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, "Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy." "That was a very misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest patiently. “It wasn't misguided at all," said Little Johnny. "I hit him."

You’re A Mom If.... 

·         You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·         You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·         You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·         You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·         There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·         The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·         You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·         Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

 

Dad Joke

Son: I watched a guy do 50 push-ups in a row. Can you do that, Dad?

Dad: Of course, son. I could probably even watch someone do 100 push-ups.

Today’s Thought

My dog will eat anything…until you put a pill in it. Then he’s Gordon Ramsey.