Friday's Funnies

 Marriage Seminar

 While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bob and his wife Alice listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Thoughts to Ponder.......

-          Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

-          If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

-          Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

-          If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

-          Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

-          If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

-          Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

-          What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

-          Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

-          If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

-          Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Paper or Plastic Groaner

At the checkout counter, the bag boy asks, "Paper or plastic?"

Customer: "I don't care, you pick one."

Bag boy: "I can't."

Customer: "Why not?"

Bag boy: " 'Cause, baggers can't be choosers!"

How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

1. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

2. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."  WOW!  It says I'm only '38'!

 

3. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 

4. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

5. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Aging

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 Bypass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Peer Review

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction?

• The allergists voted to scratch it.
• The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
• The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
• The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
• The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
• The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
• The pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
• The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
• The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
• The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
• The radiologists could see right through it.
• The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
• The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
• The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
• The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
• The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Today’s Thought

If money talks, why won't it have a conversation with me??