Friday's Funnies

 Word Problems

Someone posted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, "You mean just like the ones grammar used to make?" Now I'm blocked.

 

You Must Be A Preacher If…

- You've dreamed you were preaching, only to awaken and discover you were.
- A church picnic is no picnic.
- Instead of getting "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
- You're tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
- You've ever wanted to "lay hands" on a deacon's neck.
- Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
- You sometimes stretch the truth at a funeral.
- You've suffered an anxiety attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.
- The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
- You get your second wind when you say "And in conclusion..."

 

To Be Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. So, on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -- everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

 

How Hot Is It?

 

-          The cows are giving evaporated milk.

-          Hot water now comes out of both taps.

-          You discover asphalt has a liquid state.

-          Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

-          You start buying stock in Gatorade.

-          Trees start whistling for dogs.

-          You can say 113 degrees without fainting.

-          Your dream house is any house in Alaska.

-          You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

-          If the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

-          The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

 

Thoughts to Ponder.......

 

-          Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

-          Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you're broke?

-          Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

-          Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-          Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

-          Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

-          Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

-          If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

-          Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

-          Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

-          Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

-          Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

-          How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

-          Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

-          Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

Funeral

 

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."

 

Dad Joke

 

Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work.