Friday's Funnies

 Adulting

How’s adulting going, you ask? I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for about 20 minutes.

 

Cough

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"  The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot!  You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

Choking

 

I choked on a carrot today and all I could think of was, ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this.’

 

Biggest Lie

 

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So, we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

 

Washing Machine

 

Grandma and Grandpa purchased a new front-loading washer and dryer. The grandchildren were impressed with all the "bells and whistles." Grandma was looking for them one day. They had taken their little chairs into the laundry room and were watching the clothes in the washer and dryer. When asked what they were doing they said, "We're watching the laundry channel."

Advice From An Old Farmer

 

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You can't unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

The Repair Shop

 

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

Teacher Arrested At The Airport

 

A schoolteacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule," as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.  At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.  "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values”. "They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we've determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”  "As the Greek philosopher Isosceles once said, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle... ’ "

 

The veterans

 

Shooting the breeze down at the veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today, he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

 

Dad Joke

 

Did you know ants never get sick? It's because they have anty bodies.

 

Today’s Thought

I don’t know how to use TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and can tell time on clocks with hands…so there’s that.