Friday's Funnies

 First Week of School

 

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts husband: "Computer really screwed up now."

Warranty

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car. "I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said. "That's right, sir," the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks." "Fine, I need a new garage door."

Rednecks vs. Blondes

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole, said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"

 

Office Intern

Several years ago, there was an office intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use the copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of typing paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

 

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW - Different color from previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

Men’s or Women’s

A five-year-old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch. The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, "Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?"

Memory Issues

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!" She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down.” Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

Dog Breeding Made Absurd

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
~ Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Dad Joke

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Today’s Thought

I don't like to brag, but...cashiers are always checking me out.