Friday's Funnies - New Year's

 Happy New Year

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

New Year's Jokes:

• Why should you raise your left leg before the ball drops at midnight? So you can start the New Year off on the right foot!
• What do you say to the person who didn’t show up to the New Year’s Eve party? I haven’t seen you since last year!
• Why is Times Square partying overrated on New Year’s? The organizers drop the ball every year. 
• Where do herbs celebrate New Year’s? Thyme’s Square.
• Did you hear about the guy who started making breakfast at 11:59 on Dec. 31? He wanted to make a New Year’s toast.
• What’s a dad’s favorite line on New Year’s Eve? I promise not to make any more bad jokes for the rest of the year!
• What did one ghost say to the other on New Year’s Eve? Happy Boo Year!
• Why was the jeweler at the New Year’s Eve party? To help ring in the new year.
• What did the little champagne bottle call the big bottle? Pop.
• Where should you go to practice math on New Year’s Eve? Times Square.
• What’s a high-definition camera’s New Year’s resolution? 1080p.
• What did one cow say to the other on New Year’s Eve? Happy Moo Year!
• What was the caterpillar’s New Year’s resolution? It wanted to turn over a new leaf. 
• What was the spider’s New Year’s resolution? Spend less time on the web. 
• What do corn celebrate on Dec. 31? New Ears Eve.
• Why shouldn’t you shoplift a 2023 calendar? You’ll get 12 months!
• What do cats say on Jan. 1? Happy Mew Year!
• What’s a couch potato’s New Year’s resolution? Cancel their gym membership from last year.
• What did Adam say to Eve on Dec. 31? It’s New Year’s, Eve. 
• What is Bill Nye’s real name? William New Year’s Eve. 
• Why is 6 afraid of 9 on New Year’s Eve? Because 9, 8, 7…
• Why didn’t Pluto throw Earth a birthday party on New Year’s Eve? He forgot to planet. 
• What New Year’s resolution should a basketball player never make? To travel more.
• Why should you sprinkle sugar on your pillow on New Year’s Eve? To start the year with sweet dreams.
• Why do birds fly south for New Year’s Eve? It’s too far to walk.

 

New Year's One-Liners:

• A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other
• My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions
• I remember 2022 like it was yesterday
• I already have a date for New Year’s Eve — Dec. 31. 
• 2022 was such a blur, I think my resolution was too low. 
• It’s officially New Year’s Eve, which means you have a few hours to do all the things you resolve not to do next year.
• My New Year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to “Auld Lang Syne.”
• May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions. 
• Childhood is when you’re allowed to stay up for midnight, adulthood is when you’re forced to. 
• New year? I just got used to this last one!

From USA Today

 

A Bad Dream?

 

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited, she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book titled: "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

Today’s Thought

My new year's resolution is to read more.  So, I've permanently turned on the TV subtitles.