Friday's Funnies

 Life Hack

You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

 

Electric Company

I received another letter from the electric company yesterday. It had "Final Notice" written on the envelope. Good. They won't be bothering me anymore.

Rules For Frequent Fliers

1.  No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

2.  If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3.  If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4.  Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5.  If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. Or try to type on your laptop.

6.  If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

7.  Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the bathroom.

8.  The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9.  The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.


The Student Athlete

A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced, "Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play."  The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, "But how is he scholastically?"  The scout replied, "He makes straight A's in every subject. However, I must tell you his B's are a little crooked."

Ready to Deploy

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his whole series of injections, asked for a glass of water.  "What's the matter?" asked the hospital corpsman. "Do you feel light-headed?"  "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

Audition

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir. After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo." "You mean...by myself right up front," I asked? "No," he said, "I mean you should sing so low that we can't hear you."

 

P.S.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a postcard in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this postcard for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"

Fishing

Fish bite twice a day ... before you get there and after you leave.

Texas

An author decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to the first church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."  Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.  The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more of the same phone with the same sign and got the same answer from each pastor.  Then he arrived in his last state, Texas. Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. BUT this time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.  "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I've found this golden telephone and have been told it's a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. But, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"  The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now. This is God's country and it's a local call."

Vacation

"Vacation" is when you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that "it all" is just waiting patiently on your desk.

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the new body wash from the people who make Head and Shoulders? They're calling it Knees and Toes.

Today’s Thought

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.