Friday's Funnies

 Dieting Rules

1.  If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories; the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink has no calories.

Time To Call It Quits

The minister drove his ball into a very deep sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word. Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word. He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word. Finally he muttered, "I'm going to have to give it up." "Golf?" asked the caddie. "No," he replied, "the ministry."

Lost

A hunting party is hopelessly lost. "I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!" one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader. "I am," replied the guide. "But I think we're in Canada now."

Speeding Juggler

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for, boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me, boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"  The young man replied, "Well, sir, I'm a juggler."  The officer spat some tobacco juice and then said, "A juggler; well, you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"  The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his juggling ability while he held him at gunpoint.  Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden, Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on Route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... they must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

You're Not a Kid Anymore When... 

1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.
6. You are proud of your lawnmower.
7. 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."
8. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
9. Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.
10. Digestion is a consideration when reading a menu.
11. Nobody ever tells you to slow down.
12. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.
13. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
14. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles.
15. You're always asked to say the blessing.
16. Your ears are hairier than your head.
17. You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.
18. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil.

Dad Joke

The nurse came in and said "Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him today."

Today’s Thought

What's the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.