Friday's Funnies

 New Year’s Resolution 

A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

The Real World

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower." Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"

Fractions 

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…. I guess that makes me an eighth-theist.

 

Challenge 

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.  "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."  He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."

 

Wind Chill 

The guy who came up with wind chill factor died recently … he was 89 but felt like 64.

 

Points To Ponder. Briefly. 

-          It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

-          Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

-          A rule of grammar, double negatives are a no no.

-          I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

-          A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

-          A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

-          I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

-          Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

What's Proper

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"? Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma? He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Multitasking

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Low Tech Solution

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

 

Signs Found in Kitchens 

-          If you don't like my cooking, lower your standards.

-          This is a self-cleaning kitchen — you use it, you clean it yourself.

-          There are two choices for supper in this kitchen — take it or leave it.

-          Don't criticize the coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.

-          Kitchen closed due to illness... I'm sick of cooking!

 

Ever Noticed 

Have you ever noticed that when people say, "To make a long story short ..." it's already too late?

 

Headlines From The Year 2039 

-          Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

-          85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

-          Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

-          Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

-          Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

-          New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.

-          IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Dad Joke

A high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator.  Authorities charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

Today’s Thought

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.