Friday's Funnies

 Baseball heaven

 

Jon and Chad, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Jon suddenly fell deathly ill. Chad visited Jon on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Jon had only a few more minutes to live, Chad said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." With his dying breath, Jon whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer." A few days after Jon died, Chad is sleeping when he hears Jon's voice. Jon says, "Chad, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header."’

 

On-board Computer

 

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."

 

Benefits Of A Healthy Lifestyle

 

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard. At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. "Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?" One young student put up his hand and said, "If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won't get worms."

A Woman's Prayer

 

Dear Lord... So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, or complained. I have not charged on my credit card or eaten any chocolate. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that! Amen

 

My Healthy Routine

 

Woke up at 5:00 a.m.
Completed my 8k run.
Came home and made a vegetable smoothie.
Sorry, I don't remember the rest of the dream.

Chicago Cab Driver

 

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

You Are a Bad Cook If...

 

- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Nutritious Eating

 

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy. I now have a whole new outlook on life.

The Proposal

 

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93-year-old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn't seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. "Hello Greta," said Morton, "I have a funny question for you. Do you remember last night when I proposed?"  "Oh my gosh!" gushed Greta. "I'm so glad you called! I knew I said 'yes' to somebody but I just couldn't recall who it was!"

Freezer Order

 

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie." If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food." That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

 

Dad Joke

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 

Today’s Thought

Mosquitoes are the most beautiful singers in the whole world. Even though we don't like them, we still clap.