Friday's Funnies

 Yearly Physical

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "OF COURSE IT'S HIGH!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Job Title

 

I had to take a whole load of tree limbs to the dump today in my trailer at work. I came to realize that when I prayed for a job as a branch manager, I needed to be a little more specific.

Panic Attacks

 

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor. "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?" "Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

 

Ways To Tell You're Over The Hill

 

-        You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.

-        You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

-        Lawn care is the highlight of your week.

-        You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."

-        Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.

-        You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.

-        Your bed has more options than your car.

-        One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.

-        It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.

-        You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.

-        You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.

-        You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

-        You look both ways before crossing a room.

 

Good News And Bad News For A Pastor

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: She has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they're armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

 

Kids' Kwotes

 

-        "Close the curtains," requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

-        Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

-        Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

-        As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

-        When a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

-        While shampooing her son, age 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

-        When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

-        His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy," he gulped, "You already have a little son -- me!"

-        When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They're not only twins, they're brothers!"

 

Truth Tells

After being retired for a couple of years and completing all the jobs my wife had lined up for me, I began to feel somewhat useless and decided to enroll in a couple of courses at the local adult-education school. I noted, upon registration, that there was no tuition fee for a person over 60. As I handed my tediously-filled-out papers to the clerk, I announced, "I'm 63." Then, pulling out my wallet, I asked if she wanted to see my driver's license. She replied, "No, that's okay." A little surprised, I asked, "Oh, do I look honest?" "No," she answered. "You look 63."

 

Today’s Thought

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.