Friday's Funnies

 Top 5 signs that gasoline has gotten way too expensive:

1. A gas station is offering a free car with every fill up.
2. Any purchase over a gallon requires a credit check.
3. Price is now in gold bullion.
4. Texaco now offering monthly payment plans.
5. You're excited to find gas at under $5 a half cup.

Arithmetic

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" "One dollar." "You don't know your arithmetic." "You don't know my father!"

WiFi Code

Set your Wi-Fi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678.

 

Know Your Math!

 

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Aging

You know you've reached middle age when you when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Post Office Job

 

Paul got a part-time job at the post office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were almost a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

Funny Signs

 

-        Every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal.

-        If you don't remember their name, take them to Starbucks.

-        Two silk worms were in a race. It ended in a tie.

-        I went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.

-        Ants are healthy because they have little anti bodies.

-        If a cow can't make milk, is it an udder failure or a milk dud?

-        I went bald but I still kept my comb. I just can't part with it.

-        Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

-        Finland has closed its border. No one can cross the Finnish line.

-        Don't give up on your dreams; keep sleeping.

-        You're the "she" to my nanigans.

 

Song Writer

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

 

Young Businessman

 

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

Oversleeping

 

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm! He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said. "The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

 

Funeral Home Humor

 

A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home. When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, "It's good to see you." His reply, "It's better to be seen than to be viewed."

 

Chopsticks

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.  "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."  The waiter inspected her chopsticks.  "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Dad Joke

What's the difference between a cheapskate and a canoe? A canoe will sometimes tip.

 

Today’s Thought

Taxes are a yearly subscription to the country you live in. Childhood is the free trial.