Friday's Funnies

 Sermon 

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

 

Old Tractors 

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Dentist and Patient 

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient - "How much will this cost?"
Dentist - "It`ll be $100."
Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.

 

Yuck

A teacher's worst nightmare...tying a wet shoelace when it hasn't been raining.

 

Pastor Faux Pas

1. “God loves a cheerful liver.”

2. “We must guard against that four-letter word called pride.”

3. In a child dedication service, the pastor said, “the history of child sacrifice goes back many centuries.”

4. Preaching in a nursing home, the pastor told the residents, “God, I want you to bless each person here at this funeral home.”

5. “Mary washed her hair with Jesus’ feet.”

6. Christmas message speaking about how beautiful the Christmas tree is in his home: “I love sitting in the living room with nothing on but the Christmas tree.”

7. Speaking at a wedding: “Marriage should be endured, not enjoyed.”

8. He meant to say “biopsy”: “Please pray for Mrs. Jones who recently went in for an autopsy.”

9. The pastor meant to say Jesus will wipe away the tears from our faces. “Jesus will wipe away our faces.”

10. Instead of “Jesus eats with sinners,” the pastor said, “Jesus eats sinners.”

 

Super Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

 

At A Job Interview

"What are your strengths?"

"I take matters in my own hands."

"Okay, thank you. We will contact you."

"No, I will contact you."

 

You Know You've Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

 

·         You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

·         You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

·         You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

·         You answer the door before people knock.

·         You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

·         You ski uphill.

·         You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

·         Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

·         You name your dog "Valdez."

·         You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

·         You lick your coffeepot clean!

Ice Fishing

A couple Congressmen from warmer climates loved to fish, so they wanted to try ice fishing. They took off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop nearby where they got all their tackle - including a sturdy ice pick. About an hour later, one of them was back at the shop and bought another ice pick. In another hour the Congressman was back, and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you got." The bait man said, "Well, OK -- How are you doing out there?" "Not very well at all," said the Congressman. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Dad Joke

The best present to give your grandchild is a broken drum - you can’t beat that!

 

Today’s Thought

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.